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Incompetence in the workplace.

2007-04-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

Let me first preface this entry be saying: For those of you who read my blog and (have) work(ed) with me, please don't think this entry pertains to you. If you finish reading this blog and STILL think this entry pertains to you, it probably does.

In my line of work (troubled youth), one of the biggest keys to success on a daily basis is consistency. Within the first 0-3 months, you learn this firsthand. Usually because you've made a mistake or bad judgement call or the like. For the record, everyone in my line of work makes mistakes, including (believe it or not), me. Occasionally. Actually, on a scale of 1-10; 1 being (insert tired George Bush joke here) and 10 being Jesus, I'm about a 9.87. Awesome, but not quite my Saviour.

With that said, there are certain parameters put in place to ensure that, for the most part, staff maintain a consistent environment for youth who crumble in chaos. For example, we have what is called the Policy Manual in which basic policies for handling youth are outlined in point form so even 'I Am Sam' could understand them. Also, every two weeks, our team gets together to discuss the youth (how they've been behaving, new treatment plans/goals). During these Team Meetings, we often discuss and make agreements as to how we are going to deal with certain youth. For example; whether or not a youth can take the bus to school or whether or not a youth needs to be kept close for a period of time due to various safety concerns.

What bothers me the most is when I come into my set of shifts and kids immediately begin asking me if they can do special things (visit friends/go to the library). Normally, the answer to these questions is based on a number of variables; How has the youth's behaviour been? Can the youth be trusted in the community? How often has the youth gone on these "individual activities" in the last few weeks? However, while I was gone, weaker staff, more interested in getting the youth out of the house or appeasing the youth so they don't have to deal with any issues, have been allowing youth to do these kinds of activities regardless of their behaviour or of prior guidelines set previously in a Team Meeting. So, when I tell a youth they can't go to the library, it immediately becomes an issue and an argument that I have to deal with, trying to explain to the youth how their behaviours in the unit affect real life. When they respond with "well Crappy McStafferstein lets me do this all the time", you have no real leverage anymore and you become the bad guy establishing a conflictual relationship with the youth.

If you are this type of person (whether it be in my line of work or anyone's line of work), SCREW OFF, ASS. Everyone but you knows you blow at your job. If you no longer work with me, good riddance, douche bag.

Cobain is dead. GET OVER IT.

2007-02-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

If I hear one more snivelling, long-haired hippie/angst-filled teenager/poorly rated media component talk or gripe about Kurt Cobain's meaningful life or his prophetic music, I might just kill myself. And not the way most people commit S, either. I might just go one step further, overdose on drugs, then blow my head off with a shotgun...oh wait...I think someone already did that...

"But Lbomb, he was an incredible martyr/songwriter. He hated the establishment of music and when his band got too big, he didn't want to take the pressure anymore. Not to mention, he basically invented grunge music and modern rock".

Shut up; You're stupid. First of all, I admit that Nirvana was a good band. In the "anyone with 5 fingers and an acoustic guitar" sense of the word. But do you know which band played good music AND didn't write it with a 2-year-old playing guitar? Soundgarden. That's who.

Kurt Cobain didn't kill himself because he was anti-establishment. He killed himself because he knew if he didn't, people would very soon figure out what an incredible fraud he was. If you play guitar, think of the first 10 songs you learned. If at least 3 of them weren't Nirvana, I will personally call in sick to work.

And what about his lyrics? ~What else can I say? Everybody's gay~? No, just you, Kurt. You're gay. Why else would you have spraypainted "HOMOSEX RULES" on a wall in Washington?

Seriously, if you're going to idolize a drug fiend, make it someone respectable. Like Chris Farley. He was awesome in that SNL skit with Patrick Swayze. Don't pretend you have no idea what I'm talking about, either.

Kurt isn't 40 years old. He's 12 years, 10 months and 15 days dead.

'The Juice' is my hero.

2007-02-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Here is what I KNOW about O.J. Simpson:
1) He played professional football.
2) He killed Ron and Nicole (allegedly).
3) He is NOT in jail.
4) He WROTE A BOOK about NOT killing Ron and Nicole.
5) He has the greatest nickname EVER ('The Juice').
6) He has the worst REAL name ever (Orenthal).

But on a serious note, you have to respect The Juice. Dude BRUTALLY MURDERS (allegedly) his ex-wife and her 'friend' and gets away with it. He is NOT serving jail time. That, on its own, is respectable. However, there is more. After dude brutally murders (allegedly) these two people, he waits a few years then WRITES A BOOK ABOUT IT!! I mean HOLY CRAP!! The guy is a legend! I'll tell you right now; if you kill two people (allegedly), get off scott-free then stand to make MILLIONS of dollars because of it years later, you have my respect. And my third-born. If it's a girl or hermaphrodite.

Let's even pretend that The Juice DIDN'T kill Ron and Nicole. Even then, writing a book about it is gutsy. But he DID (allegedly) kill them. He DID (allegedly).

And the awesome doesn't stop there; he has the GREATEST NICKNAME OF ALL TIME. The Juice. You can't say those two words and not feel pumped. The Juice. I'm shooting Cocaine. Dude IS The Juice. I'm lifting weights/making a sandwich. I dare you to find a better nickname than The Juice. And don't say 'The Game' because 'The Game' is just a cheap knockoff of The Juice. And don't say Lbomb. Flattery will get you nowhere. This time.

The Juice. I just gave myself a charlie-horse. In the balls.

Guns don't kill people and neither does Chuck Norris. The Juice kills people (allegedly).

Dancing movies blow.

2007-01-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

I sucked it up when they tossed out "Save the Last Dance". I even managed to swallow my bile when they shattered my testicles with "Bring It On" and "Drumline". But this has got to stop. Now. People need to discontinue going to movies with people dancing in them. Don't get me wrong, a movie with a (1) dance here or there is swallowable, but when an ENTIRE MOVIE is devoted to dancing? Please.

The worst part about this is that they're ALL THE SAME and they're swarming theatres like flies. You want to know what happens in the next movie involving dancing?? Ok, but let me warn you; the following contains spoilers...

- Protagonist likes some form of dancing (usually, but not limited to, Hip-Hop).
- Protagonist is pretty good at dancing.
- Protagonist meets someone of the opposite sex in whom they are interested.
- Protagonist meets Antagonist who is better at dancing.
- Protagonist has "dance-off" with Antagonist and loses.
- Protagonist does something to make his/her friends/posse angry at him/her.
- Protagonist is "down in the dumps" until person of the opposite sex gives him/her a pep talk.
- Protagonist practises very hard at dancing.
- Protagonist has "dance-off" with Antagonist and wins.
- Protagonist kisses/bones person of the opposite sex and gets his/her friends/posse back.

You cannot point out any significant difference in any of the following movies: Save the Last Dance, Honey, You Got Served, Roll Bounce, Step Up, Take the Lead, Stomp the Yard. I am even going out on a limb because I have never seen Step Up or Stomp the Yard but I still guarantee there are no differences. And don't say idiotic things like:

"But Lbomb, Roll Bounce has roller skates, not dancers" or "Step up has a white guy instead of a black guy". If you do, you're a moron, so don't waste my time.

I've never resorted to this before, but the situation is so dire, I feel I have no choice...PLEASE STOP GOING TO MOVIES ABOUT DANCING. If you refuse to listen to me, people WILL continue making them. You've been fairly warned.

I hate these movies so much that I've been forced to beg.

Cassie Madden

2006-12-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Cassie Campbell is the John Madden of NHL broadcasting. Except, somehow, worse. For YEARS people have been making fun of the obvious color commentary that Madden provides. I think Brian Regan put it best when he said:

"Al Michaels - To the 20, to the 10, there's a flag on the play...

John Madden - Now if-a if-a if-a there's a flag on the play, there's gonna be a penalty. If a guy runs, he goes faster. If a guy eats alot, he takes a big dump later. Tough actin' Tanactin."

Ok, maybe you didn't get that. In fact, GUARANTEED you didn't get that if you aren't a sports fan. But all of this is irrelevant. As bad as John Madden is, Cassie Campbell (the captain of the Canadian Olympic Womens Hockey team) is far worse.

CBC tried it's luck with her right there in the broadcasting booth doing color commentary. The thing is, she's an idiot. Even if you have never watched hockey in your entire life, you could do a better commentary than she did. The type of garbage that came out of her mouth were things like this:

"Great pass through the neutral zone" or "The new NHL sure has alot of scoring" or "Phaneuf has a nice ass".

So CBC fired her. Or so I thought. I caught her on HNIC (Hockey Night In Canada) this last weekend when my beloved Canadiens beat the Prostitutes...I mean Leafs, in a shootout. She wasn't doing color commentary. She was, instead, doing rinkside commentary. Once again, she ceased to amaze me with her awful.

CBC, if Ron McLean sucked at his job or if Don Cherry didn't bring in the viewers every week, would you keep them on the payroll? No. So why do you continue to embarrass yourself with clips of Cassie Campbell stating the obvious? To gain female viewers? Guess what. Wrong demographic.

Cassie Campbell makes me almost as sick as Hayley Wickenheiser and her Hamburger Helper commercials.

This will be the last post I ever do about a woman sucking at a man's job. NOT.

Subaru is going out of business.

2006-11-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard the rumors (initiated by myself), let me let you in on a little secret. Don't buy a Subaru. They're going out of business. Sure they still have commercials, cars, sales lots and everything else you need to make it LOOK like a company still prospers, but do NOT let the facade fool you.

'But Lbomb', you might say. 'If Subaru is going out of business, how is it possible that they can still afford to have commercials on TV, cars on their lots and everything else you might need to make it look like a company still prospers?'.

Don't worry, folks. I've got the answers you're looking for. Yes, Subaru still has all the aforementioned necessities, but what it's cutbacks are consuming is its personel. Subaru no longer has money to pay people to actually WRITE their commercials, so they let mentally handicapped people do it instead. For much cheaper, nonetheless. In fact, a good source (my fabricative intellect) has told me that Subaru pays their handicapped staff the equivalent of what a child is paid for 14 hours a day sewing Nike socks in the Philippines.

Now you might say 'But Lbomb, you make ridiculous things up all of the time that aren't true. What makes you think you can fool us into thinking what you're saying NOW is true?'.

My answer to you is 'Shut the hell up'.

But to those of you who are legitimately curious, let me give proof.

In Subaru's recent commercial they claim that they believe symmetrical all-wheel drive is as important as the following 3 things:

1. Brakes - No. F. If a car didn't have brakes, people would die. This is NOT the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was careening off a cliff and said "sure wish I took that symmetrical all-wheel drive the salesman was talking about."? Never.

2. Steering wheel - No. You make me want to commit S. If a car didn't have a steering wheel, people would die. Not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was streaking towards an on-coming Semi and yelled "Where is that symmetrical all-wheel drive when you need it?"? It's never happened.

3. Engine - No. You're obviously retarded. If a car didn't have an engine IT WOULDN'T START. Once again, not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time you couldn't start you car and screamed "GD symmetrical all-wheel drive!!!!"? You may have said this. If you were retarded.

You'd have never invested in Enron had you known it was a bust, so why invest in Subaru?

WFHL

2006-11-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

As I've said for years now, if there was a legitimate competitive league for floor hockey (FH), I would be in it. I would have at least made it to the WHL. For years I've been dominating floor hockey all over Saskatchewan. I know this post is a little on the late side, but I don't care. I simply need to express how awesome I am at floor hockey.

Now, I would first like to say that in no way am I good at real ice-hockey. Not that I don't have the skills to be successful, only that I suck hard at skating. If I could skate well, I would tear ice-hockey up.

Now back to FH. I have been inactive from FH for approximately 3 years now. I used to play 2-3 times a week when I lived in the "Sunshine Capital" but I no longer live in the "Sunshine Capital" and no longer work an accomodating schedule. To appreciate my former FH prowess, come with me on a journey filled with excitement and intrigue...

While playing FH in the "Sunshine Capital", 2FNLO and I came to a mutual hatred of "Leafs Goalie". He would come to FH inconsistenly then play goal (2FNLO's position) poorly. One day he thought it might be a good idea to oust 2FNLO from his coveted goaltender position. I told 2FNLO that I would score on Leafs Goalie so many times that he would become so embarrassed he would leave the gym therefore opening a spot for 2FNLO to play goalie. In a matter of 30 minutes I scored on Leafs Goalie so many times that he smashed his goalie stick into the floor of the gym, shattering it upon contact, then storming off NEVER TO BE SEEN AT FH AGAIN. 2FNLO will verify this story.

Recently, I had another chance to prove how amazing at FH I am. A group of guys were getting together to play FH one night and I began hyping myself up to Burnsy. I claimed that I was awesome at FH and that I would dominate. Burnsy was incredulous seeing as I blow at ice hockey due to my ineptitude at skating. I ensured Burnsy that I was awesome.

That night I scored 12 goals. Not to mention assists or shootout goals (of which I was the only player there to make good on both my attempts). I absolutely TROUNCED any competition in both the goals and the points columns. I dominated.

If you're picking players for an FH team, I will go 1st overall.

Bottom 6 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now

2006-10-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by Hendy’s post on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is also inspired by the movie I went to tonight called Man of the Hour (which I went to with Bagodi and Boogaard’s Bitch who left before the movie was even finished). Here is the list of the Bottom 6 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now.

6. Boogeyman - This movie had as much fright to it as Lassie. The worst part about it was that it had that good-looking guy from 7th Heaven in it and I really expected this to be his breakthrough movie gig. Surprisingly, his acting was sub-par and some would even say breathtakingly horrible. Who would have thought considering the quality programming that Aaron Spelling put out. Before he died...

5. Hero - Many of you likely know/have seen this movie, but know it by its other name; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The worst thing about this movie is not the ridiculous length or the awful story or the stupidity of the martial arts. It’s the fact that it was presented by Quentin Tarantino. I don’t care who you are, but that guy puts out good movies; Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill 1 & 2, Pulp Fiction and From Dusk til Dawn just to name a few. When I heard that Quentin Tarantino presented this film, I was pumped...until I saw it. Then I felt like an enormous anvil had been dropped on my nuts.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Otherwise known as the movie which people don’t know the title of because it’s grotesquely long and has nothing to do with anything. To be completely honest with you, I can’t properly critique this movie because I was high on cocaine about halfway through the movie when I realized that Jim Carrey wasn’t making any jokes. I remember glimpses though...Kirsten Dunst looking hot...the naked girl from Titanic not being naked...Frodo...never mind. It’s all a blur of awful.

3. The Village - Name one person who went to this movie that hadn’t spent hours wondering what the ‘monster’ was. The previews were better than the actual movie. M. Night Shimmylimmy is laughing all the way to the bank with YOUR MONEY because he just got the last $10 you were going to spend on your boyfriends brand new Xbox because he "loves you" and doesn’t want to "use you in that way". Yeah right. If you didn’t walk out of this movie as soon as you found out the monster was a costume, you’re an idiot.

2. Matrix Reloaded - This is principle based. Keanu Reeves is so awful. SO awful. Also, I remember watching the ending and turning to 2 Fn Lo and saying "Did that just happen? Are we allowed to get our $6 back? Can you shoot me in the face? Does this mean they are going to make a 3rd? Please, God, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t. Why now? How could this have happened during my lifetime? Is there a way I can go back in time and get cancer so I don’t have to watch this? Please tell me there is. If there is and you don’t tell me, I will shove a broom handle up your newborn child’s anus. Just try me. Just try and lie to me right now. You’ll bring the noise".

1. Big Fish - Never in my life have I seen a more terrible movie than this. If you’ve never seen this movie, just imagine a barren field 100 miles long and 100 miles wide. Then imagine a Transformer taking a huge crap on that field. There. Now you’ve seen the movie. The entire show is about an old-balls guy who tells stories that suck. His son doesn’t believe the stories are true, but later finds out that they are. The worst part about it is that the stories are awful. For example; One time I met a really tall guy. He was at least 7'8. That’s the end of the story. That’s it. No punch line, nothing interesting. Just a tall guy I met. WHO CARES?? Seriously, the movie is like 2-3 hours of stories JUST LIKE THAT. The only thing that kept me from committing S after that movie was the song that Pearl Jam wrote that played during the credits.

Pearl Jam is cool.

Feminism makes me throw up my testicles.

2006-09-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me just say that I'm all for equal rights. EQUAL rights. If a woman applies for a job and is more qualified than anyone else who applied for the same job, she should get the opportunity to hold that job. If a woman applies for a job and is as qualified as everyone else who applied, she should get equal opportunity to prove herself in an interview and should not be discriminated against just because she's a woman. HOWEVER, if a woman applies for a job and is as qualified as everyone else who applied, she should NOT get the job solely because she is a woman. And even farther, if a woman applies for a job and is LESS qualified than some of the men who applied, she should NOT GET THE JOB.

If you disagree with anything I have said thus far, you are either a blind feminist or retarded. Probably both.

I was watching the US Open (tennis) this past weekend and at the beginning of the tournament the USTA honoured a women's tennis star named Billie Jean King by renaming the tennis centre the 'USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center'. Although there are thousands of players (mostly male) more worthy of this honour, that in and of itself is not the bone I have to pick.

Most people know Billie Jean King as the winner of tennis' Battle of the Sexes. She was loudly proclaiming that women deserve as much prize money from their matches as the men. Due to this, Billie Jean King faced off against Bobby Riggs: male tennis star. Most people know Billie Jean King won fairly handily. What some people don't know is that Bobby Riggs was 55 and far past his tennis prime. They also don't know that the main reason he played in this match was for money and publicity. He was accompanied to the court by female models wearing tight leather. If that doesn't scream "PUBLICITY", nothing does. To me, the victory would have been better deserved had she beaten a good male tennis player. Like Jimmy Connors or Rod Laver. Of course, had she played Jimmy or Rod, she would have been embarrassed.

Anyways, I was watching the Women's Final: Maria Sharapova (130lbs of paradise as Burnsy would say) vs. Justine Henin-Hardenne. Luckily, Sharapova won and was presented with the winner's cheque. 1.7-odd MILLION DOLLARS. Comparable to what the men make. Sharapova then began to thank Billie Jean for all she has done for women's tennis and for the extra $500,000 in her pocket.

I have 3 huge issues with this. First, while men play best of 5 sets (needing to win 3 sets to take a match), women play best of 3 sets (only needing to win 2 sets to take a match). Why is it that the women can play less but make the same amount of money? Secondly, there is no way in hell that the #1-seeded women's player (Amelie Mauresmo) could hold a candle to the #1-seeded men's player (Roger Federer). So why is it that they get paid the same for winning a watered-down version of men's tennis? It would be like Damon Allen in the CFL making the $10,000,000 per-year that Brett Favre does in Green Bay. And finally, not only do the women play less tennis and at a watered-down level, but they DON'T EVEN GENERATE THE FAN BASE THAT MEN'S TENNIS DOES. I could be more understanding if more people showed up to a 3rd round womens match than a mens match, but that doesn't happen. Tennis still makes it's money off of men. And it always will because men will always be better at sports than women. Deal with it. Don't tell me any of you would rather watch the WNBA. Unless you're a dyke.

I'm thinking about starting a "movement" called Masculinism. It's purpose will be to protect humankind from ridiculousness.

Balds should rule over the general population.

2006-08-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Where 'Balds' consist of the population who are balding and have either lost every hair on their head entirely or have shaved their head completely of hair.
Where 'Norms' consist of the population who still support a full head of hair.
Where 'Halfsies' consist of the population who have started balding but refuse to acknowledge their impending doom and use forms of covering up their baldness (ie. hats or comb-overs).

Now to my first submission. There is one reason that stands alone which argues irrefutibly that Balds should rule the world:

We've already gone through so much personal adversity in being bald, and through accepting our fate and celebrating our weaknesses by fortifying them via shaving our heads, we have proved to be tried and true, steadfast and responsible citizens whose unparalleled leadership qualities have only to be given a chance to be proven superior.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate Norms. I only hate Halfsies. Norms don't know what they could be missing so they take life for granted. It's no fault of their own, only ingnorance of circumstances.

Halfsies, however, are a different story. Balds never EVER nod towards, wave at, or in any other form express friendship towards Halfsies. Balds are an elite sub-culture representing only the smartest, finest and best-looking individuals on the planet. Halfsies are an abhorrent breed, surfacing to society mostly for the purpose of rape and, on occasion, the rape of a human.

As an afterthought, I would also like to humbly submit my application for Ruler of the Balds. This of course would mean that when the Balds are finally exalted to rulers of the world, I would be the worlds ultimate ruler. You could all call me Lord Lbomb. Actually, the Honourable Lord Lbomb sounds better. Not only would I allow my subjects to kiss my hands occasionally, I would also allow hotties to run rampant throughout the world. This is my pledge to you.

Halfsies are awful.

What purpose do blacksmiths serve in modern society?

2006-07-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

In my town, every year, we have what is called "The Cathedral Arts Festival". Normally, I wouldn't go within 12 city blocks of this abomination, but my buddy Xris just won a country music contest (another abomination) and was performing at the festival.

I went with another friend of mine, Burnsy, to watch Xris perform and when he was finished, we decided to walk around the kiosks to see if there was anything worthwhile. The festival spans around 8 city blocks, so there was quite a bit of ground to cover. As it is with most festivals, there was an array of hippies selling their wares and "cool retro" stores trying to make you buy their clothes...which I did...NOT!!!

Now let me digress from this story for a moment to paint a picture for you - A man the size of a bull, stripped to the waist hammering molten metal into what looks to be a sword. The man has sweat all over his rippling body due to the forge fires not 6 feet away. A smaller, but nonetheless physically fit, man uses what looks like a huge accordion to blow air into the forge making the room dance with heat. A stranger walks in and asks the blacksmith if he's finished the axe he paid for. The blacksmith nods towards a stand in the middle of the room with spears, swords, maces and other weapons hanging from it. The stranger spies his axe; a perfect half-moon blade with a large spike on the other end for balance. The stranger hefts the axe and smiles satisfactorily at it's perfect weight...

Now, asides from the latent (O.K., blatent) homoeroticism in this paragraph, you have to admit that blacksmiths were men. Strong men.

Now back to the festival. While walking through crowds of hippies and wannabe culturalists, while glancing at kiosks holding mindreaders, magnetized miracle bracelets and aboriginal paintings, I spot 2 men with no shirts on, pounding metal. It briefly enters my mind that it's the 21st Century and that there can't be THAT much of a demand for medieval weaponry, but that quickly exits out the other side as my eyes take in what the blacksmith is working on. A spear.

My first thought is "Awesome". The first words out of my mouth are to Xris and Burnsy "Why are they making a spear?". Burnsy looks around the kiosk for a second then points to a corner and says "It's not a spear". I look to where he's pointing and what do I see? A huge metal cattail. Many of them. Like 3 or 4. The second thought that went through me head was "Oh. My. God. That wasn't a spear. I was the birth of some art". I wrinkle my nose in disgust and spit in the smithy's face. No I don't, I spit on the ground. No I don't, I write a blog. But seriously, blacksmiths making art? That's gayer that sweating over weaponry anyday. An institution of manhood has fallen and nobody cares. What next? Women teaching our kids?

Curse of the Underdog.

2006-06-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I don't often write about sports, but lately I've had a few requests, and seeing as sports is a huge part of my life, I thought I'd comply.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love hockey. It is by far my favorite sport to watch. Most of this simply comes with my being Canadian and hockey being an enormous part of Canadian culture. With this said, I have an opinion about this years Stanley Cup outcome.

As most of you probably know already, The Carolina Hurricanes beat the Edmonton Oilers 3-1 in the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Final. What you probably don't know (but most of my close friends can attest to) is that since the day Edmonton beat Detroit in the first round, I called them making it to the finals, and tragically, losing.

I am neither clairvoyant nor a prophet, but apparently, I am superstitious because I believe in a curse. A curse that has plagued the NHL for 4 consecutive Stanley Cups. The Curse of the Underdog.

2002 - The Carolina Hurricanes were ranked 3rd in the East only because they were top of their Division. Technically speaking, their 91 points on the season should have put them in 7th place in their conference. After surprising New Jersey, Montreal and Toronto, they went on to lose to the Detroit Red Wings in 5 games.

2003 - The Anaheim Mighty Ducks, ranked 7th in the West with 95 points, swept the powerhouse Red Wings, beat the Dallas Stars in 6, then swept the Minnesota Wild only to lose in the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals to the New Jersey Devils.

2004 - The Calgary Flames, ranked 6th in the West with 94 points, upset the top 3 teams in their conference (Vancouver Canucks (3rd), Detroit Red Wings (1st), San Jose Sharks (2nd)) respectively only to lose in 7 games to the Tampa Bay Lightning in the finals.

2005 - No NHL season.

2006 - The Edmonton Oilers, ranked 8th in the West with 95 points take out the Red Wings, the Sharks and the Mighty Ducks on their way to losing to the Carolina Hurricanes in 7 games.

I am not lying about predicting this outcome. I will not make any outlandish claims regarding calling the Hurricanes making the finals, or even that I called any scores of games played. However, once Edmonton beat the Red Wings in that 1st series, I knew they would make it all the way to the Finals then lose simply because of the Curse. There was no way around it. People might comment that there was no way for me to know that Edmonton would lose in the final game. Or that curses don't exist. Or that I have herpes...I mean don't have herpes. But try as you might, you could never prove me wrong considering my friends will back me up as far as my making predictions and the actual facts will back me up as far as the outcomes go.

Indeed. Beware the Curse of the Underdog.

Universal Stages of Restraint.

2006-05-31T22:55:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I work at a group home for "troubled" youth. At times, due to innumerable circumstances, these youth can become irrational and extremely volatile resulting in 1 or more staff having to restrain them.

Also, try to understand that these youth behave in a specific way when they are being restrained. As you can imagine, they don't like it and take great offense to it. However, once the restraint is completed and you've had a chance to speak with the youth rationally, often the youth responds better to treatment, even if it is only for a brief period of time. What I didn't know until recently is that whether you're 13 or 37, humans respond to being restrained in the exact same way.

Bagodi, Holesmasher, KSlang and I went for wings et al at a local Brew Pub in town. After a fulfilling conversation, we were rudely interrupted by a ruckus near the door. Apparently, a man who had confronted me earlier in the night asking me if I was eyeing him up because "he was wearing the same clothes as me", had had too much to drink and was getting violent outside on the deck. He had been asked to leave by the managers, but refused stating that he was an 'R.C.' and that they should 'try and get violent' with him.

Eventually R.C. left and we continued our night. When we left, however, we heard a ruckus on the deck. We investigated only to find R.C. being physically restrained by a 40+ Correctional Officer with a wicked handlebar moustache, a 40+ female C.O. weighing 100 lbs and another female C.O. with her rack hanging out of her shirt. This is when my epiphany crept in about the Universal Stages of Restraint.

Anger (name calling) - "F you A-holes!! I'm an R.C.!! You C.O.'s are f-ing no-job losers!!

Feeble Struggling - Involves restrainee struggling futilely against the sheer number of people and the ill effects of alcohol poisoning. Gratuitous "paunch shots" occur throughout this stage.

Visible (actual) Pain - Includes screwing up of facial features and yelling "You're breaking my f-ing ~insert desired bone here~".

Anger (threats) - "When I get up, I'm gonna f-ing kill you all!!!" "Bring on the cops! I'm an R.C.. You'll all be sorry tomorrow when I'm back on duty!!"

Silence - The restrainee attempts to fool everyone by being the 'bigger man'. To the untrained eye, this stage can come across as an actual repentance and eager yearning to talk things our rationally.

False Pain - Often occurs when the restrainee is being let up. Involves horrific shrieking, groaning and 'F' and 'S' bombs being dropped like Hiroshima, but everyone who can actually see what is going on knows that no one is being hurt.

Self-Pity - Lamentations about how they have no friends and everyone hates them. "Do you think I like drinking alone??"

Indignation - Usually occurs after the restraint is finished. The restrainee realizes that they are free so they begin to spout off again...although consciously not being physically imposing.

There is one more part to this story which need to be told to properly complete it. A colleague of mine, Revo, used to work for the same facility that Handlebar C.O. works for. One day on shift, Handlebar C.O. and an Average C.O. were working a shift together when they saw a rat on the other side of the chainlink fence. Average C.O. had a slingshot and attempted to hit the rat. Of course, he was unsuccessful. Handlebar C.O. took the slingshot, aimed and NAILED the rat. First shot. From behind a chainlink fence. From 30-40ft away. Incredible.

C.O.'s with handlebar moustaches mercilessly restraint people and are hardcore.

The night my world came crumbling down.

2006-04-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

There are only a few things in life you can really count on. The changing of the seasons, the rising of the sun, Pamela Anderson's Hepatitis C, rape. But a week ago, one of those sure things failed me.

I was out with some work friends (Bagodi, Cmannsta, Birdhair and a few others) a week ago after work. We all met at Birdhair's house and played some poker. After the second hand (and my buying in for a second time), we really started getting into the poker game. Admittedly, I was also very involved in Sportscentre as they were showing highlights of the last Canadiens game of the regular season. This, no doubt, translated into me not winning the poker match. Rest assured, had I not been unfocused, the pot would have been mine. But that is neither here nor there.

After the game, Bagodi and I got into my car as Bagodi doesn't have her license (anymore) and I was driving her home (again). We were both hungry and I had to get up early the next day, so we opted for McDonald's. Now as we all know, McDonald's has the McDeal where every day they have one extra value meal on sale for $3.99. Some days, the McDeal is sweet (ie. Quarter-pounder w/ Cheese day and Double Cheeseburger day). Other days, the McDeal blows (ie. Filet -o-Fish day and McChicken day).

As it was early Wednesday morning, and therefore McChicken day, I opted for my beloved fallback plan: The 2 Cheeseburger Meal. All of a sudden, the goodness of the world seemed to fall from beneath me...

Burger Jockey - Welcome to McDonald's, how may I help you?

Lbomb - Yeah. I'll have the 2 Cheeseburger meal. Supersized. With extra mayo. And a Rootbeer.

BJ - Sorry sir, we no longer have the 2 Cheeseburger meal.

Lbomb - ~excruciatingly long pause~...what?...

BJ - We no longer have the 2 Cheeseburger meal.

Lbomb - ~visibly shaken~ Well...what do you have instead?

BJ - I don't know. I think we have the Jr. Chicken meal.

I sat in stunned silence for a few seconds after we ordered our meals. Then began the 5 stages of Grief.

DENIAL - No. BJ is lying. This is all a big joke they play on their customers late at night.
ANGER - SON OF A B#TCH!!! WHO'S THE EXECUTIVE GENIUS WHO DECIDED TO GET RID OF THEIR BEST SELLING MEAL???!!
BARGAINING - Oh please, Lord; if you let the 2 Cheeseburger meal continue, I will stop hating Mexicans.
DEPRESSION - Oh no...it's all over. Could life possible get any worse? Well...maybe if Kid Rock recorded a new album...
ACCEPTANCE - Well, I guess I'll just have to go with the Double Big Mac meal. It tastes pretty good if you dilute it with a litre of Cola.

I all honesty, getting rid of the 2 Cheeseburger meal had to be the stupidest move made by McDonald's since the Arch Deluxe.

Craziest. Girl. Ever. 3

2006-04-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

This post marks the final part of a trilogy that rivals the popularity (although not the embarrassment) of the Matrix Trilogy and almost equals the writing brilliance of The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants.

Brian had had enough of Tara and her insanity. They broke up and discontinued seeing each other entirely. This, however, wasn't enough for Brian. He decided to move out and keep the whereabouts of his new place a secret from Tara. He thought this would be the best way to keep her out of his life forever. Brian also changed his cell phone number in case Tara tried to give him the infamous "drunk call" one lonely night.

A couple months passed without contact between Tara and Brian. Randomly, one insignificant night, Brian woke up to the sound of his apartment buzzer. He ignored it as it was past 2am. The buzzer, however, seemed to be oblivious of the ridiculous hour and continued its noisy serenade. Brian got up and through the speaker heard a hauntingly familiar drunken voice: Tara's. Tara plead with him to let her into the apartment; claiming she was sorry for all the wrong she'd done him and that she still loved him. Brian, wanting no part in this game anymore, ignored Tara's pleas.

Incensed, Tara determinedly proceeded to buzz EVERYONE ON THE APARTMENT DIRECTORY. She finally convinced an older woman to let her in (who coincidentally lives next door to Brian), claiming that she was Brian's girlfriend and she forgot her keys to the apartment. Tara climbed the stairs to the old woman's apartment and when she opened the door for Tara, Tara roughly pushed past the old lady. She walked through the poor frightened woman's house and opened her patio doors. Once on the woman's deck, Tara thought the best idea would be to climb from the old woman's deck over to Brian's deck.

Keep in mind here that a reliable source told me that "I would never have made that climb sober. Let alone wasted. Not only are the 2 decks a significant distance from each other, but it was winter and incredibly icy.".

Tara somehow made it to Brian's deck (all the while the old woman is screaming at her to please come back) which is full of furniture that Brian hadn't had the time to move inside his house yet. Brian heard the commotion and saw Tara on his deck. The next thing Brian heard was sirens. Police sirens. Tara had made so much noise and caused such a discombobulation that several of the tennants in the apartment building had called the cops.

Brian, furious, pulled Tara out of the cold and into the house. He instructed her to strip naked and go lie in his bed to which Tara complied without comment. When the cops came knocking on Brian's door, they asked to be let in. Brian let them come in and when they go into Brian's room and see Tara lying there naked they asked him if Tara was his girlfriend. Brian says that she is, and the cops leave. Immediatly after the cops leave, Brian tells Tara to get out of his house, which she does.

Why Brian protected Tara from the cops is a mystery to me. Regardless, the outcome of these events was that Tara now has a restraining order against her. Not from Brian, but from the entire apartment building.

The actual whereabouts of Tara is unknown. However, some friends have reported seeing her around town despite her claiming she moved to California to become a nanny.

This trilogy is entirely factual except for insignificant quips added by myself to enhance the humor of the story.

Craziest. Girl. Ever. 2

2006-03-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

Brian and Tara continued seeing each other although they had broken up. This led to a quick reconciliation (as it usually does) and the couple was back together.

Things for Brian and Tara continued much in the same way as they had prior to the debacle that was Tara's detox. Eventually, Tara began spending more and more time at Brian's house. She would spend the night, get up in the morning when Brian had to go to work, sit around the house all day, and be present when Brian got back from work. She spent most of her day doing her makeup, filing her nails and douching. Quickly Brian became somewhat annoyed of her slothfulness (not to mention the used douche syringes) and told Tara that she should do something with her life and get a job.

Maybe sensing that her life was washing itself down the tubes, or more likely, because she was out of nail polish and had no money to pay for new stuff, Tara agreed.

A few days later, Tara came home and excitedly explained to Brian that she had gotten a job at Petco. Tara and Brian celebrated with what I can only assume was a mixture of slobber and dry-humping.

Almost daily Tara would come back with a new (if not interesting) story about her job. One day, they got a new puppy into the store that was just SOOO CUUUTE!!! Another day she watched a piranha eat an entire sirloin steak.

This continued for about a month and a half. Tara would wake up at the same time Brian did, then go to work. She would come back later on, talk about her day and get ready for her next day at work.

One day, Brian had urgent need to talk to Tara. He had tried calling her and texting her on her cell phone, but she wouldn't answer. He thought maybe her phone was dead and so decided to give Petco a call. When the employee at Petco answered, Brian asked if he could speak to Tara Sutherland. He was informed that there was no person by that name working at Petco; and yes, they were sure. Brian thought to himself that maybe he had just heard wrong. Maybe it was Petland she worked at. However, when he called Petland he was assured once again that Tara Sutherland did not work there. After Petland came Petcetera with the same amazing answer: That Tara did not work there. Brian proceeded to call EVERY PET STORE LISTED IN REGINA'S PHONEBOOK finally coming to the discovery that Tara didn't work at any of them.

When Tara came home from work, Brian asked her how her day was and she answered with the usual "It went fine. My herpes made me tired, but the cats were cute" story. Brian, of course, lost his mind and they got into an enormous fight.

It turned out that Tara indeed had NOT gotten a job, but would simply leave the house and return at the same time every day to maintain the pretense of going to work. Almost as strange as this, she made her "shift" an early one so she wouldn't even be able to sleep in. You'd think if you were going to make up a time to go to work, it would be a late morning or early afternoon shift. But no, she made it early morning.

This of course finished the relationship. Only this time, it was for good. However, the craziness doesn't stop here...

Craziest. Girl. Ever. 1

2006-02-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

This is the first of a 3 part series about the absolute craziest girl I have ever heard of. I have not actually ever MET this girl. This is a story a friend of mine, VJ, told me. Throughout the series the names of all involved will be false as alot of people who are involved may read my blog.

VJ was "seeing" a guy named Jon. Jon had a good friend named Brian who was dating an absolutely gorgeous girl named Tara. This girl is a Bud Girl, which may not mean so much as she lives in Regina, but it still gives you the general hottness.

Jon and Brian were planning on becoming roomates but there was one big issue: Jon couldn't stand Tara. As far as Jon was concerned, Tara could die. She was incredibly annoying and was ALWAYS hanging out with Brian. She's one of those girls who's nice to look at but you'd rather start a conversation with her Maxi-pad. Tara dating Brian was almost a deal-breaker for Jon, but he and Brian came to a mutual agreement: 1) If Brian got the biggest of the 2 rooms, that Tara would retreat to that room when Jon and her got into an argument because that would inevitably happen. If Tara would not agree to retreat to Brians room, then Jon would get the bigger room. 2) That Tara was not to stay at the apartment if neither Jon nor Brian was there as Jon did not trust Tara to refrain from stealing something/turning their apartment into a Meth Lab.

With this agreement in place, Brian continued dating Tara. It was summer, so of course there was alot of partying going on. With that said, I suppose partiers can be broken up into 2 categories:
1) Mary Kate & Ashley Olson Partiers
2) Robert Downey Jr. Partiers
Tara seemed to fit more into the latter. In fact, her partying was getting so bad and Brian got so fed up, that he eventually told her that if she didn't seek help, he was going to dump her.

Tara agreed and decided it was in her best interests to get help. She signed up for a week-long detox in which she was only allowed 1 contact outside the detox facility. She told Brian that she was not going to talk to him at all as she wasn't allowed to email, go on MSN, talk on the phone (other than her contact person who was a good friend of hers), or leave the facility for an entire week. She told Brian that if he wanted to know how she was doing, all he had to do was call her friend/contact person (F/CP) and ask her, as they would be talking at least once a day.

For a week Brian would call F/CP every day or so to get an update on how Tara was doing in detox. F/CP would report things like "Oh, she's doing very well. In group today they discussed the negative effects of alcohol abuse." or "She was feeling pretty depressed today but managed to make it through."

Finally, the long week of waiting was over. Brian and Tara were virtually inseparable the next couple of days. After Tara going through detox, they had realized what they'd loved so much in each other and couldn't get enough.

One day, as Brian was talking on the phone, his friend casually mentioned something he had seen Tara do the previous week. Brian stated that this could not be the case as Tara was sequestered in detox all week. His friend assured him that it was in fact Tara he was talking about.

Brian went home immediately to confront Tara on this inconsistency. Tara ended up confessing that she had not went to detox. Rather, she went through the pains of not talking to any of Brians friends or any mutual friends they shared. She blocked him on MSN so she could still sign in and talk, but he would think she was never online. She even avoided regular haunts of theirs in order to minimize the chance of her being seen by him or anyone they both knew. This, of course, precipitated a break-up.

This entire situation is just beyond my comprehension. And it's only the tip of the iceberg. This will be the mildest of the 3 entries.

Olympic Gold

2006-02-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

The Olympics is the wonderous time every 2 years in which countries forget their hatred for each other; the mass murdering, the incessant bombings and the terrorist attacks, for one common goal: Beating the crap out of the communist countries. And the Asians.

Please don't misunderstand me when I talk about Canada winning a gold medal in the Olympics. I mean, if we won the medal race, that would be great. That won't happen, though. We've never won a medal race in the history of our country. There is only one medal which is hinged to the pride of our fine country. The gold medal for Ice Hockey.

I was discussing with some friends (Xris and Burnsy), the different kinds of sports that were involved in the winter Olympics; Skiing, The Luge, Bobsledding. All of these came to mind. A few sports, obviously didn't:

LBomb - Hey, is gymnastics part of the Winter or Summer Olympics?
Xris - I don't know...
Burnsy - I think it's Summer.
LBomb - Yeah, it's Summer. (Short pause) What about that sport where they ride bikes around a track? That's winter, right?
Burnsy - ...no, that's summer too, I think.
LBomb - Yeah. Probably. Hey, what's the most obscure Winter Olympics sport you can think of?
Xris - ...
Burnsy - ...
LBomb - What about where they ski and shoot things?

Anyways, I say all of this to prove a point. WHO CARES? The only sport I want a medal in is Hockey. People in this country went ballistic when Canada won the gold in 2002. This year will be no different. In the interest of pursuing Olympic Gold in Hockey, I've compiled a list of things I wouldn't hesitate to do in order for Canada to win Gold.

- Tell the French they suck. To their face.
- Watch The Notebook or 8 Mile.
- Get a backstage pass to Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
- Buy a Pussycat Dolls CD
- Bomb Hiroshima. Again.
- Loudly state, in the middle of Regina's biggest intersection, that the Riders don't need a new Quarterback.
- Walk around Oakland wearing colors other than black and silver.
- Face Roger Federer in a tennis match. The loser has to kiss Steffi Graf.
- Eat olives.
- Voluntarily get a catheter.
- Play Dungeons & Dragons.
- Watch a Keith Urban concert.
- Contract AIDS.
- Discard my extensive collection of anime...I mean compile an extensive collection of anime.

Canada better win.

Paul Martin...

2006-01-23T23:59:00.000-08:00

...sodomizes squirrels.

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. "Lbomb, that's a lie". Well, you might be right. OR, you might be wrong. We all know that during Martin's Defeat Speech, he resigned as the leader of the Liberal Party. What we don't know is why.

I have a friend on the inside. This is his account of what went on during that speech.

P-Mart - (something spoken in incomprehensible 'Quebecois') Hello, fellow Canadians and believers in all that is right. I have grave news to tell you tonight. The Conservative Party has won a minority government.

(Loud boos ensue, drowning out the sound of someone killing their unborn baby)

P-Mart - With this said, I will now be taking questions from the media.

Reporter #1 - First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your loss tonight.

P-Mart - Thank you.

Reporter #1 - My question is about all the money you spent. Will I ever get that back? Or at least maybe get a receipt so I can be reimbursed for my (your) spending?

P-Mart - No.

Reporter #2 - Mr. Martin, where were you born again?

P-Mart - (more incomprehensible 'Quebecois')

Reporter #2 - ...~looking dumbfounded~...oh...that's too bad...

Reporter #3 - Paul; can I call you Paul? Paul, is it true that you sodomize squirrels?

(10 seconds of uncomfortable silence)

P-Mart - ...I would like to take this opportunity to step down as leader of the Liberal Party.

So I guess that's that. Now you're as informed as I. Please celebrate responsibly.

Lost

2006-01-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

Lost is the most amazing television show in the entire universe. The only show that can even compare to Lost in it's greatness is Family Guy. But that's an altogether different genre.

Normally in my blog, I gripe about the unfairness of life, stupidity of others and...well...that's about it. But once in a while; just once in a while, life hands you something so phenomenal that it makes you take your hat off and have a moment of respectful silence. Like at those things where someone is dead. That's what Lost does for me.

If you've never seen the show and you had someone explain it to you, it would seem terrible. Basically, some people are on a plane and the plane crashes on some remote island. They crash way off course, so no help can come to rescue them. They need to survive on the island making do with what they have.

With that synopsis, I'm sure no one (including myself) would ever watch the show. HOWEVER, Lost is so much more than that. It keeps you guessing at every corner. Every character on Lost has this intense past that keeps coming at you in the form of flashbacks. To add to the terror of being planewrecked on an island, there's apparently some monster on the loose. And also, there are some other people -evil people- on the island that sabotage and kill the people who are planewrecked.

Here is a brief synopsis of all the character who are important:

Jack - The main character. He's a doctor and is awesome. Dude performs a blood transfusion with the needle from a sea urchin.

Locke - An old guy who is awesome at everything and used to be in a wheelchair. Somehow the crash/the island gave him the use of his legs back and he walks around killing boars and finding exciting things.

Sayid - An Iraqi who used to torture people. Awesome.

Michael - Some black guy. Builds a raft. Sucks.

Charlie - An ex-heroine addict. Also an ex-hobbit.

Hurley - Fat guy who is super rich. Comic relief. Pretty cool.

Kate - Hot girl who killed people/robbed banks. Respectable...but still a girl.

Claire - Pregnant girl whose baby is psycho.

Jin - Asian dude who beats his wife/other people.

Sun - Jin's wife who gets owned.

Sawyer - Awesome "bad guy" who hoards things until people need them then makes chicks kiss him when they want the things he's hoarded. Super cool. He should fight Jack. Or better yet, Boone...

Boone - Pussy lifeguard. Has sexual relations with his sister.

Shannon - Boone's sister. Has sexual relations with Boone. And Sayid. And everyone else.

Watch Lost. If you see 1 episode and it doesn't make you want to watch more, then I will personally eat McDonalds. That's my promise to you.

That comment earlier about someone being dead was over the line. Even I recognize that.

Bizzarro Lbomb 2

2006-01-01T17:04:00.000-08:00

So I decided to go out and buy one of those fantastic new Smart cars (YAY!!!). Seriously, the best purchase I've ever made. Not only is the Smart beautiful on the outside, with its tastefully loud neon colors, but it's also beautiful on the inside. Nothing matters more to the Smart as keeping the environment safe. And as you all know, that's the basis behind my every philosophy.

The Smart car is designed to have no balls AND be spacious. Especially for people under 5'3. The Smart car also made me thankful that I only have one friend because the Smart car only has room for 2, LOL ;)!!!

Recently, my friend and I went on a road trip to The Keg. After filling up with gas the second time, we ran into some beautiful girls driving a Beemer. They obviously dug our ride. Who wouldn't?!?! As they rolled down their window to spit at us, we sped off down the road leaving skid marks...in our pants because we were so excited that girls almost talked to us (hee hee).

Anyways, my pretty little Smart car is safe and sound, packed up under my bed just ITCHING to save some more energy. Can't wait 'til tomorrow when I get to charge it with its own cigarette lighter!!!

P.S. If you don't like the Smart car you are entitled to you own opinion and to ravaging the environment one diesel engine at a time LOLOLOL!!!!! JUST JOKES!!!!

No, you did NOT bring your 3 year old to the late show.

2005-12-07T23:46:00.000-08:00

There needs to be a universal, federally enforced curfew for children under the age of 16. I am considering running for Prime Minister because I think this should be a serious political issue. Know what I hate? Driving past 7-11 at 2am and seeing a pack of 13 year old boys loitering outside the store. GO HOME. Don't you have Red Shoe Diaries to watch or something? Maybe Wild-On Camaroon? Maybe the Girls Gone Wild infomercials?

Anyways, back to the point of my story. I was in Edmonton a week ago and I decide to watch ~cough~ Harry Potter ~cough~. I get tickets for the late show, which starts at 9pm. I get into the theatre and sit down a few rows back from the front. Alot of the optimum seats were taken due to my having to watch the dragon blow some fire (which was awesome). So I'm sitting in my seat and in walks this family. And I mean the WHOLE family. The Grandma (age 29), the mom (age 18) and the kids (ages 6,5,4 and 3). I seriously give them the triple take. You know, the one you give your doctor when you find out what a catheter/pap smear is. I can't believe this. You just brought your 3 year old daughter to the LATE MOVIE. What kind of 3 year old isn't in bed before 7pm? I know for damn sure that if I was 3 and I wasn't in bed before 7pm, it was because I was sick and couldn't sleep because I had an anal thermometer stuck up my ass.

Worst thing about it is that this girl is awake the whole time and CAN'T KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT. Newsflash: As if your 3 year old daughter cares that Harry is a crappy magician. Again. Or that Ron is a huge pussy. Again. Or that Hermione is really hot. I mean smart. Again.

You just know that this kid is never supervised at home and doesn't go to bed until 1:30am. She likely already smokes dope, curses like a sailor and drinks like your dad.

Get some parenting skills.

Doctors

2005-11-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

So guess what? I figured something out recently that thouroughly blew my mind. In Saskatchewan (and maybe the entire world, I don't know), they have these people whose job it is to figure out what's wrong with you. For example, you know when you have that weird feeling inside your stomach and it leads to that thing where you end up with your food in the toilet? Well, these people have heard of that before and they can give you "medication" to fix it. No, I'm not joking. They're called "Doctors".

Like, my friend had this rash on his "leg" and it was bothering him. So he went to the doctor and the doctor perscribed him this cream that he has to apply to his rash. My friend reports that the rash almost immediatly disappeared.

You know what I'm really sick of? Unoriginal hacks talking about how they hate waiting in line for doctors. And how after the first waiting room, there's a smaller waiting room where you have to wait longer, etc. Here's an idea: SHUT THE HELL UP. The next person who says that to me is going to get a towel whipping. And not just any towel whipping. A towel whipping wet from a horses copulatory mess.

Doctors help people. Period. I hope you get leprosy or The Clap or leukemia and then have to eat your words/dead ear skin.

Halloween

2005-11-17T23:30:00.000-08:00

The following is a guest-post from a co-worker of mine. To be fair to her, she wrote this a while ago, but I'm simply too lazy/arrogant to post it immediately/let it take some of my thunder. What you will read is entirely as she presented it to me...even the punctuation. Enjoy...

Halloween

I know this is a bit late but something that still needs to be said. I love Halloween! I love coming up with creative, cute, and/or sometimes funny costumes. I usually attend a pub crawl on Halloween or make a point to go out and celebrate with some like minded friends. I would also have to say that Halloween is definitely an ugly persons holiday. I mean, when else can a girl, who may have a decent body, but has the face of a pothole cover, get free drinks all night by dressing up like a slutty, cocaine addicted nurse. I'm very saddened by how easily men are fooled by such women! There is a reason she is wearing a wig (she has a female combover), has on 8 pounds of makeup and fake eyelashes (she has craters on her face the size of a Regina pothole and pulled out her eyelashes due to OCD), and has ber breasts up around her chin (her bra is stuffed with day old real chicken breasts)!! Another annoying Halloween phenomenon is the no costume, costume. Like the group of girls who have two years running dressed up as girls from the got milk ads, excusable once but two years in a row?? Do you have a creative bone in your body?? I feel that I am able to speak on this topic from an expert point of view. I have won prizes numerous times in the past for best and/or most original costume, and would gladly help anyone achieve a new level of costume superiority! My Halloween this year was saved by a random guy who weighed at least 250-300lb. dressed as an olympic swimmer. The dude wore only a speedo and some water shoes, with a medal around his neck. It was a great costume for so many reasons; originality, bravery, and sheer humour! So people, the point of this rant is to encourage you all to embrace your creativity and think outside the box the bext time you need a costume!! P.S. For all the girls who dress as schoolgirls, sexy nurses, naughty police girls, etc..., just thought we should let you know that we don't buy the once a year trampy costumes. My guess is if you feel the need to dress as a whore, you likely have year round whore tendencies. I'm not dissing whores, they certainly have their place, just thought they should know we are not fooled!! That's my guest blog, hope you enjoyed it, and thanks LBomb for the airtime!

Later, Bagodi.

No, I don't want to give you a dollar.

2005-11-07T23:20:00.000-08:00

So not too long ago, a friend of mine named Nelly and I decided we were going to rent Saw on DVD. We get into my car and drive to Blockbuster where we're welcomed by the monotonous voice of Eternal Video Store Clerk (EVSC) saying "Welcome to Blockbuster". We look around for a little bit not wanting to be the idiots that can't find Saw, but finally ask EVSC where it is. It's not in. As we pass out the door, ready to cross the street to Rogers Video, I notice something on the window. From afar, they look like soured onions. But as I get nearer, I suddenly reel back in disgust at the realization of what they are. Childrens Miracle Network balloons.

Suddenly, my mind violently flashes back to the last time I was in Blockbuster. I put the video on the counter and right as I pull a $5 bill out of my pocket, ready to pay for "So You've Contracted a VD?", EVSC drops the bomb.

EVSC - "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Miracle Childrens Network and get a balloon with your name on it up on our 'window of honour'"?

Panic strikes my heart as I file through my extensive list of excuses:
- I'm sick today
- A dog ate my homework
- I think I hear my mom calling
- Actually, I don't know how to skate
- I've just been working so much lately, I couldn't possibly...
- Sorry...I've got these sacks...
- I have genital herpes

Finally, a usable one comes to mind.

LBomb - "Sorry, I can't afford it right now".

Amazingly, EVSC is smarter than he/she looks.

EVSC - "...but sir...you're renting a movie. Don't you think maybe you should save that last $5 of yours for a loaf of bread or maybe some milk?"

...holy crap. I just got owned by EVSC. That or else he/she actually thought that I was legitimately monetarily irresponsible and that I might actually spend my last $5 on a movie rental.

No, I don't think I should save this last $5 cause guess what? I WAS LYING. I COULD afford $1 for the Childrens Miracle Network, but I just don't want to because I SIMPLY DON'T CARE.

LBomb - "Oh yeah...riiiiiiiiight. Milk. I knew I forgot something....thanks."

Stop shamelessly plugging your charity. I don't want to hear it. No, I don't want to give you $20 to run the cancer marathon. No, I don't think having a Children's Hospital in Saskatchewan is important. No, I don't want to donate blood to save my sister.

On a side note, I have 6 LIVESTRONG bracelets left. $3 each. It's for a good cause.

People who think Saskatoon is amazing are incorrect.

2005-11-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

I hear alot of people in Saskatchewan/Canada saying that "Regina is dirty". This is true. Alot of things about Regina are dirty. Like the people. And the whores. And the streets. And the homeless. I'm not about to say that Regina is a beacon of cleanliness to an otherwise filthy wasteland. HOWEVER, I hate when people compare Regina to Saskatoon. They always say something like "Regina is dirty. I could never live there. I'd rather live in Saskatoon. It has bridges and a river".

Well, guess what? Who cares? Congratulations, you have a river. Whenever I hear people talking about how Saskatoon is better than Regina because it has a river, it almost makes me crap my pants. Again. So what if you have a river? What have you ever done socially or otherwise that has involved the river? Nothing. That's what. You don't swim in the river. You don't jump from the bridges into the river. You don't lay on the beach beside the river because there is no beach to lay on. The river is terrible and useless. The only thing I can think of that the river would be advantageous for is the mafia. And committing S. The mafia have a place to hide bodies and you have a place to hang yourself.

Another thing about Saskatoon is their roads. Their main means of getting around is called "Circle Drive". The speed limit on Circle drive is 90. Just in case you missed that, I'll say it again - the speed limit is 90. Who picks 90? Who drives 90? No one, that's who. And the worst part about it is that unless you're driving between 2:45 and 3:15 in the morning, you'll never get to that speed because everyone in the damn city drives no more than 55kmph. No lie. You have no chance of getting anywhere in the city unless you're prepared to take an hour of your life to get to the nearest McDonalds.

Also, the city repairs the roads ALL AT ONCE. They don't finish one road then start on a new one, they start them all and take 5 months to finish repairing them. This means that instead of using the obvious detour to a road under construction, you have to make your way between alleys and country roads to get around town.

I don't know what it is about people who think Saskatoon is amazing. Your downtown is all one-way streets, you can't differentiate the hood from the rest of the city, and you have 14 Starbucks'. Saskatoon blows.

Guest Postings

2005-10-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have received a few (1) proposals from other blog enthusiasts (haters) who wish to post on my blog. In case I get other offers, there are a few conditions that must be met before I go shamelessly whoring out my blog. Here they are:

1) Payment - You owe me. A blog as prestigious as mine doesn't just get posted on by nobodys. You need to have credentials. Or money. Or boobies. Or nothing.

2) Don't suck - Like Jim Rome says "Have a take and don't suck". Your post will be proofread by myself. Noot fore spellling errorrz, orr grammer that is goud, but for conntent.

3) For the idiots, those spelling errors were PURPOSEFUL.

4) No liberals allowed - No liberals allowed.

My blog is now officially as popular as - www.letsgetcoloncancer.com

Keith Richards is so old.

2005-09-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

It just kind of occurred to me today how old Keith Richards really is. If you don't know Keith Richards, he is the lead guitarist for the Rolling Stones. I mean, I guess the guy isn't really THAT old. He's 61. But just look at him. This guy is as dead as you can get without actually being dead. I've never seen a person who looks so much like a skeleton. The guy doesn't dress up for haloween, he just takes his clothes off, and when he walks in the door everyone says "Holy Crap! Damned if that isn't the best skeleton costume I've ever seen!" Then they pat Keith on the back and his arm falls off.

It's not like Keith really looks after himself either. Dude smokes like Chicago in 1871 (please tell me you guys get this joke). I actually heard (am making up) a rumor that Keith has smoked so many cigarettes that he doesn't have to inhale the smoke anymore. It just seeps into his bloodsteam through his pores. He's been a "rock-and-roller" since conception and has likely contracted every V.D. known to mankind. And probably 3 or 4 that his own body invented. Not that the guy doesn't have enough cash to single-handedly pay scientists to find a cure for Hepatitus A, B, C, D, E & L.

Maybe I shouldn't be writing this. There is a decent chance (Stats Canada reports 77.84%) that I'll one day hook up with one of Keiths illegitimate daughters and be able to claim his immense fortune for myself. And sell all the rights to the Rolling Stones songs back to the Beatles. I mean Paul McCartney. I mean Michael Jackson.

Get a clue, CBC.

2005-09-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm gonna come right out and say it. I know lots of you are thinking it, but not all of you are saying it because, well, frankly, you're scared. And pussies.

CBC IS TERRIBLE (except Hockey Night in Canada).

Now, with that said, I would also like to say that compared to Michael Moore, CBC comes out looking like St. Peter. Or boobies. Or something that everyone thinks is good.

My friend Burnsy, knowing how much I despise Michael Moore, sent me this link in an email.

http://entertainment.sympatico.msn.ca/tv/articles/1318858.armx

Basically, for all of you who are too lazy to click on that link, CBC wanted to broadcast Moore's documentary Bowling for Columbine. Moore found out about the strike and decided that he didn't want CBC to air his rhetoric...I mean documentary, saying "CBC has locked out its union workers, an action that is abhorrent to all who believe in the rights of people to collectively bargain. Why the great and honourable CBC is behaving like an American corporation is beyond me."

First of all, who the hell cares? Ok, obviously I do, but only because Michael Moore is so fat and worthless. Second of all, why would CBC want to train wreck their ratings (worse than they already are) with Moore's joke of a documentary? But the awesomest part of this whole situation is when Jason MacDonald says (paraphrased) "Who cares what that fat tub of lard says? He is an embarrassment to society and I hope he cuts his scrotum open with a piece of paper. If he died right...(pauses for effect)...NOW! no one would bat an eye. We're broadcasting that show no matter what he says and if he doesn't like it, he can race me. And he can't use his golf cart like he usually does."

Owned. Michael Moore is abhorrent.

I hate pseudo-intellectuals.

2005-09-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of people trying to tell me "their" opinions on the latest political scam or why society is how it is. Can't people keep their ignorant mouths shut? I mean, wow. You have a Bachelor's degree in Political Science/Sociology. You're obviously the be-all end-all on those subjects. Oh wait. I mean your text book/professor which you copied word-for-word from are the be-all end-all on those subjects. Get your own opinion. Get some life experience. Congratulations, you paid $40,000 for someone to tell you how you think. You're obviously far more learned than I.

I swear that the next person who tells me that George Bush invaded Iraq for their oil is going to get my "oil" in their face. Shut your mouth. You know nothing. Conan O'Brien made some comment on his show and all of a sudden you're spouting off as if it was all your idea and how could anyone be so blind as to not agree with you. Just because Dave Letterman's Top 10 List of reasons George Bush invaded Iraq included "He wanted the weapons back that he sold to Saddam", doesn't make it undeniable truth.

You people spout rhetoric like it's your own and no one says a thing to you because it's cool to hate Bush. Incredibly insightful, you piece of trash. If you have something original and informed (this does not include whatever you heard on the Daily Show DVD) to tell me, I will hear you out. Informed opinions and intelligent debates help society thrive.

Oh yeah, and besides all of this, who cares? WE LIVE IN CANADA. NOT AMERICA. Notice how so few people are commenting on the ridiculousness of the Canadian Liberal Government? Do you know that when Paul Martin was in Regina he raised $3,000 to help some little girl who had been raising money for some benefit/cause then had all her money stolen? That's so amazing. What a great leader. Did you also know that he spent over $10,000 that same night paying for booze for his whole entourage at Wascana Country Club? Part of that $10,000 is mine, and I want it back. In pogs. I want $10,000 worth of pogs. And you know what? It's my money, so screw you. I can spend it wherever and on whatever I want. Maybe I'll buy $10,000 worth of nair, cause God knows I could use it...I mean...not use it...

Liberals are terrible. Like gonorrhea.

Want to waste my time? Invite your distant aunt to your wedding.

2005-09-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, there are some cool things about weddings. For example, wine. And wedding favours. And hurling insults at the guy sitting at the table across from you because he's obviously the dregs of society but doesn't know it. Well...DIDN'T know it...

But if you get married, please; PLEASE monitor your open mike.

With the good, always comes the bad. And with the bad always comes the worst. And you know what the what worst is? Your Aunt Cecile/Bertha/Gertrude/Agatha and your Uncle Vernon/Carl/Mortimer/Bruce. Normally, you wouldn't care about these people because you'd never meet them. They'd never get the chance to attract your attention enough for you to be displeased with them. But all of a sudden, their precious niece/nephew, whom they've never actually met, is getting married. And lo and behold, there's an open mike just begging to be overwhelmed with drab, incoherent ramblings about when "young teddy crapped all over the martinis (bohemian beer) at the familiy reunion and Grandpa Earl said 'Whoa!!! That boy's got a fine ass-shot on him! They should make that an olympic sport! He'd win gold for sure!!' and everyone had a good laugh".

No. No one had a good laugh. In fact, not only did I not have a good laugh, but I had to get up just now and run to Societal Dregs' table and throw up in his wine. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR AWFUL STORIES. NO ONE. NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBAND OF 30 YEARS.

The only funny thing I've ever seen a relative do at a wedding was when one drunken Uncle got up to the mike and proceeded to pretend like he was native for 15 minutes talking about how his nephew married a good woman and how she would cook him fine "bannok" and how they would soon have little "squas" running around everywhere. That was funny. Seriously, dude went on for 15 minutes. NEVER breaking character. On second thought...maybe he was actually native...anyways, it was funny.

The moral of this story is that if you are related to someone getting married, leave the open mike to his/her friends. Unless you're drunk. Or native. Or both.

Don't snub me.

2005-08-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Here's something that pisses me off. When people who are obviously huge losers in real life get into a social setting that makes them feel good about themselves. And then they start getting arrogant.

Here's the deal. I work at a group home with troubled kids. We have 300 or so clients and just as many employees. There are also around 15 different group homes in the city all part of the same organization. It is an unwritten rule at the place where I work that whenever, and I mean WHENEVER, you drive past another van (belonging to the same organization), you wave a greeting. It doesn't have to be an extravagant wave; just a friendly hello saying "hey, I work at the same place as you. We both have the same social stature".

Well, as you can imagine, there are people at work that read this so I have to be extremely careful about how I write my description of this person. So let's just suffice to say that he's a redneck. Probably in personality as well as looks, but especially looks. Just picture your average (and by average I mean far below average) redneck and you'll know the type of person I'm talking about. I don't actually even know the guys name. I'll have to ask Bagodi because somehow Bagodi knows pretty much everything about anything that has to do with me not liking someone.

Anyways, when working nights, this rule does not change. You drop the kids off at their respective schools and if you happen to pass another van, you wave at them. You don't even have to take your hand off the steering wheel. Just throw 2 fingers up in the air and let the other person know you see them. Well, one day while dropping kids off, I see another van coming my way. I give the obligatory wave, make eye contact and...nothing. NOTHING. Dude doesn't wave back. Seeing as I'm a nice guy, though, I shrug it off. Once. Not the next morning, but some subsequent morning, I am driving some youth to their schools. Once again, I see a van in the distance and prepare to wave. The driver is the same one and believe it or not, DOESN'T WAVE. AGAIN. Seriously. You are a redneck. You aren't better than me. You aren't even better than David Schwimmer. Wave. And get this. He wasn't done. One last time, I passed this guy driving kids to school. Of course I don't give him the obligatory wave due to him being an ass. But when he passes me, not only does he not wave. Not only does he simply not do anything. He gives me the "up-nod". You know the nod I'm talking about. The "I am far better than you and I hope you know it" nod. I couldn't believe it. I was entirely speechless. This redneck yokel just declared his prominence over me. I think I'll go to his wedding and steal his bride/sister from him. Suck it, retard.

Please tell me what's so great about Poker?

2005-07-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

Poker is the new Golf which was the new Nascar. Nascar sucked. Then people started watching it lots because someone died. Then, Golf sucked. And people started watching it lots because a black/chinese/native american man started dominating. Now, Poker sucks. And people are watching it lots but I don't know why. I don't understand what these games are doing on sports networks around the globe. THEY AREN'T SPORTS. Anything you can do well at without being in any kind of physical condition is NOT A SPORT. If you think you play a sport, but you're not sure, answer this question:

Could anyone who is 300+ lbs. have the potential to be better at your "sport" than you?

If you answered anything other than 'no', what you play is not a sport. It's a game. Still confused? Here's a list of a few games that some network execs must think are sports because they get airtime on The Sports Network.

Bowling - All you have to do is throw a ball at some pins. Anyone can do this. Anyone. Oooh, you put spin on the ball. You're a phenomenal athlete. Jime Rome said it the best when he said "Anything you get better at while consuming alcohol is not a sport. Just because you wear special shoes and a wristband, doesn't make it a sport".

Darts - You throw pointy sticks at corkboard. Whoever hits the corkboard to an exact number counting down first, wins. Sounds like pin the tail on the donkey. But at least your friends liked you when you got the prize for winning.

Poker - Some people sit at a table and play cards. Are you getting this? ALL THEY DO IS SIT AT A TABLE AND PLAY CARDS. Wow, he's wearing sunglasses, watch out for is incredible bluffing ability. Who cares? The best hand they ever get is a pair of aces. You NEVER see anyone with a Royal Flush. They even have celebrity commentators. As if you need them to tell you that Rodney's 2 of spades and 5 of diamonds aren't going to beat Jim's "ace in the hole". What? River? Texas?

Spelling bees - A 13-year-old spells 'appoggiatura' correctly. Like I just did with a dictionary. And my self respect still intact. Where will good spelling get you in life? Not into NASA. Not into Jessica Simpson's bedroom. Maybe into a fight with the cool kid in class who works your ass into a brick wall for embarrassing your entire hometown.

Cheerleading - Yes, I know that most people who cheerlead are in shape. It doesn't matter. The whole point of cheeleading is to cheer on your favorite sports team. People wear watermelons on their head to cheer for the Riders. People put cheese on their heads to cheer for the Packers. Does that make wearing a watermelon or putting cheese on your head a sport? No.

Golf - Have you seen John Daly? Dude is big. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger big. John Candy big. And he's good. Not country music good. Actually good.

Nascar (any kind of car racing) - Some rednecks drive around a track very quickly. Then someone usually dies/gets 3rd degree burns/gets drunk and pisses in his fuel tank. Then one of the rednecks wins the race after 40,000 laps and 72 hours of television time. His name is usually Ricky. Or something.

I have no idea how many hours of my life has been wasted by TSN's poor "sports" coverage.

Riders have NO CLOSE!

2005-07-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Alright, let the record show that Paul McCallum sucks. He really does. He lost the West Finals singlehandedly last year for the Riders. People actually DEFECATED ON DUDE'S LAWN because of this. That should say something about your place in society/life/a football team. We should get "Robokicker" back. Dude was awesome.

With that said, I cannot, in good conscience, let McWorthless take all the blame for the Riders' loss today. The team, as a whole, has no close. All their games have been close and they almost lose it in the end. The facts are as follows:

1. Riders started the game without Kenton Keith (arguably the best running back in the league) and Matt Dominguez (unarguably the best reciever on the team).

2. Riders lost Karston Bailey, Jeremy O'Day and Nate Davis (the latter 2 being huge defensive pillars on the team (yes I know O'Day plays on the O-Line, but it's still a defensive position)) in the first half.

3. Riders were up 26-14 going into the 4th half and let the Argos go on a 13-0 run in the LAST QUARTER.

All said and done, the Riders choked. Sure, they had some difficulties regarding the worst kicker ever and injuries, but even Rudy could have held the Argos to 11 points in the last quarter. Rudy. The Riders are worst than Rudy.

Lord LBomb

2005-07-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

You know what we need back in modern society? Titles of prestige. Without actually having to be prestigious. Just imagine the awesomeness of being named "Duke Burnsy" or "Baroness Rya" or "Marquis 2 fn lo" or "Count Birdhair". Frick, that would rule. I mean, come on. EVERYONE would have to address you by your proper title. The cool part about it is that you have lots of titles to choose from. Here's a list that may or may not include every single elite title with corresponding female title:

Lord, Lady
Baron, Baroness
Earl, Countess
Count, Countess
Viscount, Viscountess
Marquis, Marchioness
Duke, Duchess

If you want to be less cool than me but still cooler than most people, you could add "Esquire" to the end of your name (ie. Hendy, Esquire). Obviously, this is less awesome because of that appalling watch commercial with Pete Sampras. Seriously, who plays tennis with a watch on? And who would, with the success that Pete Sampras had as a tennis player, endorse Esquire? At least go Gucci or TAG Heuer. Even I know that. Who was this guy's agent? I would be getting deals with Armani, Coke and Rolex. "No, YOU look HERE. I have the GREATEST TENNIS PLAYER TO EVER PLAY THE GAME (arguably) and you come to me with a $500K (presumably) contract with Esquire? I'd rather endorse Enron. Or soy milk." Owned.

I should be a professional sports agent. Or an entrepreneur who opens up a business where people pay me to verbally dominate other people. But not physically dominate. Because I can't.

Saskatchewan License Plates

2005-06-23T03:09:00.000-07:00

O.K., alot of you might remember a few years back when SGI had a contest for what the slogan on Saskatchewan's license plate should be. AND, as most of you know, the winning slogan was "Land of the Living Skies". I am gonna go out on a limb here and say that slogan blows. I GUARANTEE that had I been the guy in charge of deciding which slogan would appear on our license plate, Saskatchewan wouldn't be the laughing stock of Canada right now. I actually submitted a few slogan ideas of my own, which, for some reason, didn't make the cut. Here they are.

"Saskatchewan - Land of the Living Old" - I don't know what the ACTUAL stats are on the population of Saskatchewan, but I would be willing to guess that for every person under the age of 30, there are 10 people over the age of 100. I mean, I think we have entire towns dedicated to super old people. In fact, I KNOW we have entire towns dedicated to old people. Just look at places like Weyburn. Weyburn is such a crap-hole and everyone from Weyburn stinks like old people or tries to steal your girlfriend. Even the 17 young people who live there stink like old people because there are so many old people, that old people smell permeates the air.

"Saskatchewan - Flatter Than Your 12-Year-Old Daughter" - Before people start cracking off retarded comments like "but lbomb u r not supozed to say stuf lik that. u sound lik mikal jaksin, LOLOL!!", I would just like to say I don't care what you think. Fact of the matter is, it's true. Your 12 year old daughter is flat...probably. Saskatchewan is flat...for sure.

"Saskatchewan - Impoverished since 1904" - This must be true. Why else do you think we pay 13% tax? Why else do you think we haven't planted trees everywhere? Why else don't we build some hills? Have you ever been to anything cool in Saskatchewan? Ever? Of course not. They don't even have Rock in the Valley anymore. They have Country Music in my throw up. What? I'm tired, be quiet.

"Saskatchewan - Home of Leslie Nielson" - Is anyone tired of hearing about this guy? Dude comes out with a couple sub-par movies and all of a sudden he's the best thing to come out of Regina. Or Carlyle. Or Tisdale. Or whatever. And it's not just Leslie, it's Theresa Sokyrka (I hope I spelled her name wrong) and The Johner Brothers and Theoren Fleury and whoever else. Lets just admit it, we're grasping at straws here. If we had Jim Carrey, Avril Lavigne, Toby MacGuire (or whoever a good country singer is), and Peter Forsberg, at least we'd have something.

"Saskatchewan - That Place Between Winnipeg and Calgary" - If you're travelling across Canada, what is the place you're most likely to pass by without stopping? If you say anything other than Saskatchewan, you are a liar. What are you going to stop and see? Taylor Field? Boundary Dam? We need something to draw tourists. Like a swimming pool or something.

I paid to see a movie. Not a Coke commercial.

2005-06-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

First off, go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I don't care if you hate Angelina Jolie or if you love Jennifer Aniston. The fact of the matter is that, on screen, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are awesome. Also, the actual writers of this movie are brilliant. Totally original AND funny AND action packed. Now, after that shameless plug, the real reason I'm writing.

I get to the theatre and pay my months wages to see a movie that I've wanted to see since I first saw the trailer. I'm not even going to mention the outlandish prices for snacks (yes, I understand that I said I wasn't going to mention it, then did. So what?). I'm gonna be honest. When I get into a theatre, I'm excited to see the previews for various other movies that I might want to watch. One of these movies, for example, is War of the Worlds. Another is The Wedding Crashers. But instead of sitting down in my seat, putting my pop in the armrest, gleeking on the nerd infront of me, and settling in for a nice night of mindless entertainment, I have to sit through 3 or four TERRIBLE COMMERCIALS. News Flash: I DIDN'T JUST GIVE YOU THE LIFE OF MY FIRSTBORN TO WATCH SOME BLONDE HOE DRINK SOME COKE AND SKATE ON ROLLERSKATES. Yes, I said rollerSKATES, not rollerBLADES (which are lame enough as it is). I especially didn't want to see the gay "husband" of those awful Canadian Tire commercials. You know, the one who brings his "friend" over to show him his "pressure washer".

All I'm asking is that the theatre leave me with some shred of dignity. You already pulled my pants down, bent me over and ravaged me with a scuba tank with the cost of admission. Please don't make me watch commercials, too. It's like curb-stomping somebody then pissing on their dead body. Overkill.

Oh yeah, and if you own a cell phone, TURN THE DAMN RINGER OFF, ASS. I hope you die.

Humanity Once Again Amazes Me.

2005-06-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

It really blows me away to see all of the people who are below what I would have thought to be "average intelligence". I mean, you would think that if people had the brain to speak their mind, they'd have the brain to know that whatever they are saying sounds stupid.

If you look at "blogger.com" at any lengths, you will find that most of the people who have blogs ACTUALLY SHARE THEIR FEELINGS. Do these people know that ANYONE can find their online diary? If I had feelings, I wouldn't want people to know about them. Also, out of this majority of people sharing their feelings on the internet, about 60% of them are sharing thoughts or feelings about the ones they love (ie. boyfriend/girlfriend/gay lover/life partner). Who cares if you miss your girlfriend? Who cares if your gay lover had sex with a horse? No one. That's who.

Take a look at reality shows for instance. The only awesome reality show is "The Contender". I don't care who you are, but people beating each other up in an uncivilized fashion will ALWAYS be cool. If you disagree with me, you are wrong. Other reality shows, on the other hand, don't quite get it. "The Real Gilligan's Island" is possibly the worst reality show I've never watched.

Oh yeah, and if you are a rapper/movie star, don't try to act/rap. You probably aren't good at one of them, let alone both of them. Eminem is the reason I never watched (and will never watch) 8 Mile. Vanessa Williams is the reason Chris Farley got fat and died. See where I'm going with this?

Anyways, I'm just mad at stupid people who think they're smart/talented, but are neither. Late.

P.S. Before some moron posts a comment about me copying Maddox with my "If you disagree with me, you are wrong" sentence, I would just like to say, I was making fun of you. You just didn't get it.

Shack

2005-06-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

I want hate mail. So, I have realized the best way to do this is make fun of the worst basketball player in the history of the universe. Shazzam. For those of you who STILL don't know who I'm talking about, I mean Shakeel O-Kneel. It doesn't matter if I spelled his name right because no one really cares anyways.

Shazzam can't hit free throws. He just can't. If people are getting paid millions of dollars to NOT hit free throws, what am I doing in my line of work? I can NOT hit free throws all day if I'm getting paid to NOT do it. I am also much better than Shazzam at NOT shooting 3-pointers. Oh yeah, and I can foul really well, too. The only thing I don't have is Shazzams size. Dude is big. And apparently has magical powers. Which I also don't have, but I bet I could STILL suck as much as him. Even without magical powers.

Oh yeah, and there's one more thing about Shazzam. He's a sellout. Who licenses their name to a terrible Sega game called Shaq-Fu? Wow. People who like Shazzam must be mentally retarded.

Bizzarro Lbomb

2005-06-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

I was walking home after a long day of hugging trees when I spotted a wounded bird on the ground. Luckily, I always carry around a basket for carrying around any wounded animals (birds, gophers, rats, crickets, etc.) I might find on the road. I took some leaves from the ground (because I don't like ruining nature) and padded the basket to make a comfortable bed for the bird. Continuing on my way home, I saw a Honda Element and thought "what a nice design for a car. I should purchase one from the left over tree-planting money I saved". I got home, casted the poor birds wing and threw on an Oasis CD. I could listen to Oasis forever. They are better than the Beatles.

After this, I called my best friend and quoted Napoleon Dynamite for 6 hours. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE, YOU SUCK, lol.

I was hungry so I made some grilled cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread. I like eating healthy because it makes me feel good about myself. I also did some yoga. Yoga is almost as soothing as Oasis, except without Noel Gallgher, the greatest musician in the history of the universe.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I saved the little birdies' life and some whales all in one day! I am so excited!!! LOL!!!

P.S. I am so fortunate to have a blog to share my feelings on!!!!! Please post comments so I know you care about me!!! LOLOLOLOL!!

Maddox

2005-06-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know who Maddox is, this post has nothing to do with you so I don't care if you read it. For those of you who DO know who he is, I have something to say.

I didn't copy Maddox.

People who think I copied Maddox need to shut up. I don't want to hear it. To be honest, it's kind of an honour, because the guy is a genius, but I didn't copy him. If you find one article of mine that he has done, post a comment about it and prove me wrong, but I GUARANTEE that you can't. I have read every Maddox post, and he has NEVER done any of the same posts as I have.

P.S. DON'T SAY I COPIED HIS BOLTON INTERVIEW. JUST BECAUSE THE FIRST NAMES ARE THE SAME DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. IDIOT.

Michael Moore Interview

2005-05-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

Michael Moore is an American icon...for retards. I met up with him recently at a Drag Queen beauty contest where his "wife" was a judge. I asked him (told him) if I could conduct an interview with him. He agreed because he figured hanging out with me would make him look cooler...which it did. The interview went like this:

LBomb - How much do you weigh?
Michael Moore - 578 lbs.
lb - You're a fat loser.
mm - (laughs) Yes.
lb - Why are you laughing? I'm serious. (long awkward silence) So who are your political influences?
mm - Well, let me see (pauses). I would have to say Madonna, Moby, The Dixie Chicks and maybe Miss Piggy.
lb - ...like the muppet?
mm - yes.
lb - That's appalling.
mm - What does appalling mean?
lb - Nevermind. So, are you the guy that did that documentary about McDonalds? Cause that wasn't a bad show.
mm - No.
lb - ...Well, what documentaries did you do then?
mm - Bowling for Columbine, Farenheit 9/11...
lb - (cuts him off) Did you do any that weren't biased liberal propaganda?
mm - ...No...
lb - (throws up out of revulsion) Sorry. I accidentally looked at your face.
mm - (laughs) That's ok. It happens all the time.
lb - So, Benedict, I can call you Benedict can't I? (doesn't wait for answer) When are you going to realize that no one really cares what you think?
mm - (thinks) Umm...probably never.
lb - It's people like you that make me wish they would abolish the 1st amendment. Do you find it at all ironic that while trying to "unveil the truth" you leave out ENOURMOUS parts of a story in order to fashion an argument that fits your bias? Do you understand that this makes you a hypocrite?
mm - Yes.
lb - Wouldn't it be funny if some terrorists took your family hostage and the only way to ensure their safety was to rely on the superior firepower of American soldiers?
mm - Well...I don't really think it would be funny...
lb - I do. Especially if, because of idiots like you, American soldiers were no longer allowed to use firearms and instead had to use their suave negotiating skills. Then, because the terrorists were insane, instead of listening to the americans smooth dialogue and logical arguments, they shot your family and stole your 7 Porches which you bought from being a "classic, blue-collar working man".
mm - (crying softly)
lb - This interview is done. (slaps Benedict Arnold, I mean Michael Moore, in the face with his notepad and spits in his greasy hair)

Michael Moore got owned. And then i think he commited S.

Nerds are Hardcore.

2005-05-23T04:39:00.000-07:00

There is a subculture in North America that has an undeniable impact on society. You can't be involved in ANY part of life and not be consciously or unconsciously affected by this subculture. This subculture is Nerds. There are different kinds of nerds. Subcultures within a subculture if you will. These Sub-subcultures have many similarities, yet many unique differences. I have found that nerds have their own set of rules.

Nerd Rule #1: Be Hardcore. Don't be a half-assed nerd who goes to a movie and doesn't dress up like the antagonist/protagonist of the movie.

Nerd Rule #2: Hate Other Nerd Factions. ie. If you love Star Wars, you have to hate Lord of the Rings. If you love Freddy Kruger, you have to hate Superman.

Nerd Rule #3: You Are NOT a Nerd. If you are a nerd, you must deny it at all cost. Even if the cost is your firstborn.

There are 8 different kinds of nerds.

#1. The Star Wars Nerd - This is the most common nerd. These nerds are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There is a 100% chance that someone you know or love dearly is a Star Wars Nerd. These people know what Jabba the Hut is saying without subtitles. They can repeat R2-D2's dialogue blip-for-blip. Outside of Star Wars conventions, it can be difficult to discern this type of nerd from a normal person...until another episode of Star Wars comes out/George Lucas does anything. Like wipes his ass.

#2. Lord of the Rings Nerd - These nerds worship J.R.R. Tolkien. They call each other on the phone and speak elvin. They also hate Star Wars and think that they are infinitely cooler than the Star Wars Nerd. They are not.

#3. Sports Nerd - These nerds are at the top of the nerd hierarchy. They are revered and respected by all nerds and are the nerd equivalent of a jock. These nerds were never good at sports, but were so enraptured by the idea of being cool that they took to learning everything there is to know about every sport. This nerd can tell you who won the Stanley Cup in 1923. They can quote word-for-word Michael Jordan's retirement speech. They can give you Ty Cobb's lifetime stats. They own season tickets to the Green Bay Packers/San Francisco 49ers/Saskatchewan Roughriders. They ALWAYS wear a sports jersey of an obscure NBA player.

#4. D&D Nerd (Dungeons and Dragons) - If you ever find one of these nerds, you will find 10 more of them within a 4 metre radius. These nerds have dice with more than 6 sides on them in their pockets at all times. After school/work, they drive their Ford Taurus' to the "Dungeon Master's" house and play stratego for no less than 10 hours.

#5. Comic Book/Superhero Nerd - This nerd has one AND ONLY ONE comic book/superhero that he is intensely loyal to. They know every tidbit of information there is to know about their specific hero. They have lengthy debates over whether or not Spawn could bannish Superman to hell and whether Robin is JUST Batman's sidekick. They have a room(s) in their home(s)/mothers basement dedicated to their comic book hero.

#6. Horror Movie Nerd - This nerd knows how many people die in Freddy vs. Jason and think The Blair Witch Project was a breakthrough in cinematography. They ALWAYS dress up on halloween as the killer from Scream and when the don't win the Best Costume Award, they insist on asking you what your favorite scary movie is in their best "psychopathic killer" voice.

#7. Computer Nerd - This nerd ALWAYS works at a computer store as a salesman or technician, but goes home at night, logs on to hackers.com and uses the username ~IamHax0RGoD~. They never type full words, using "r" and "u" as much as possible.

#8. Gamer Nerd - This nerd owns ALL THE GAMING CONSOLES. ALL OF THEM. They also have lists of their top 10 favorite games which usually include 9 Role Playing Games and Halo. If you know what I'm talking about when I say "Skate or Die", you might be this nerd.

Hints to spotting a nerd:
- has nerdy glasses
- wears jeans which are 2 sizes too small
- is wearing a black Pantera/Megadeath/Alice Cooper T-shirt
- has long, unwashed hair
- owns a trenchcoat

Queen Latifah is awful

2005-05-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

I hate Queen Latifah. She is stupid and ugly. I was forced to watch Barbershop 2 at werk tonight and the film starts out with a trailer for "Beauty Shop". It starts out with a closeup of a black woman's skin and some black woman saying something like "Do you like your hair (closeup of hair)? Do you like your skin (closeup of skin)? Or do you like (pan out to show that you were just ogling Queen Latifah) sass?" I then threw up.

For the record, I do like hair. I also like skin. I don't even mind a little bit of sass (as long as the girl knows her role). But Queen Latifah almost ruined heterosexuality for me that night.

Here is my synopsis of her last 8 movies followed by a general rating scale.

The Muppet's Wizard of Oz - In this movie, some muppets (I assume Kermit and Miss Piggy along with their goofily hilarious friend the bear guy) go to Oz. Queen Latifah likely plays an annoying black lady.
Overall rating - F

Beauty Shop - Just like barbershop but with girls. And more Queen Latifah.
Overall rating - F

Taxi - Jimmy Fallon plays a witless cop who needs the help of a street-smart black taxi driver. Jimmy Fallon is hilarious. Queen Latifah makes Missy Elliot look beautiful.
Overall rating - F

The Cookout - Some black people go to a cookout. Queen Latifah makes John Leguizamo look funny.
Overall rating - F

Barbershop 2: Back in Business - Some black people own a Barber Shop and you can't understand a work they say without subtitles. Queen Latifah is sassy.
Overall rating - F

Scary Movie 3 - Some people think Queen Latifah is funny and decide to put her in a movie which spoofs other movies. People from the ages of 12-15 think this movie is outrageously hilarious.
Overall rating - F

Bringing Down the House - Steve Martin makes an awful comeback to stardom. Queen Latifah plays a hardnosed con. She sucks at it.
Overall rating - F

Kung Faux - No idea.
Overall rating - F

I hope Queen Latifah commits S.

Phalanges are overrated

2005-05-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

Ya. I know what you're all thinking: "but, Lbomb, fingers help u type, LOL :)". "If u didn't have ne fingers, how could u make ichiban??? LOL???". So before you post any comments, let me present my case.

First, fingers get hurt too easily. Who hasn't broken a finger? Who hasn't cut most of their thumb off with a router (that's for you, werk friends)? The worst part about it is that you can't even function without ALL of your fingers werking properly. If 1 finger is out of commission, you can't do anything. Try writing with your index finger broken. Impossible.

Secondly, you can't even move your ring finger independantly from your pinkie finger. That is so worthless. The ring finger is the bitch sister of the hand. It can't do anything on it's own and just tries to mimick the "cooler" fingers.

If you think fingers are cool, you are incorrect. They are not cool and they are not OK. If I wasn't a huge sissy I would just cut all mine off and use my teeth for everything. Like scratching my back.

Don't even get me started on toes. They're worse than fingers only with less mobility and expectations. No one needs you to pop the top of a bottle with your toes.

Things I think are cool, but kind of aren't.

2005-04-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

Here are some things that are so cool, but at the same time aren't really cool at all.

- Commiting S(uicide)
- Venereal Diseases
- Steve Buscemi
- Hooking
- Saying "F".
- Yahtzee
- Streaking at a Riders game
- Adult diapers
- Peeing your pants

Here are some things that just aren't cool.

- Preston Manning
- Saying "You are the weakest link. Goodbye."
- Philosophy Majors
- Honda Elements
- 'Hero' the movie
- Blogs
- Working nights
- Screamo
- Napoleon Dynamite
- My landlady
- Stew

Thinking about "pimping" your 30 year old Chevette? Don't bother.

2005-04-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, this could be a dangerous post because those of you that know me, know that I know NOTHING about cars. However, I DO know that just because your car is loud, doesn't mean it's cool/has a hemi/could beat a Tonka Truck in a race. Seriously, these people's moms buy them '86 Honda Civics when they're 15 for when they get their licenses, which, coincidentally, they don't get until they're 24. Then, when these morons finally get their license, they go and put performance exhaust on their car. Congratulations! Your car is louder than a train wreck. It must be super awesome. Oh wait, your car just broke down in bumper-to-bumper traffic again. Maybe your Chevette isn't "high performance". Maybe you should think about running a hose from that performance muffler straight into your car and shutting the windows. For real, ass; just punch a hole in your muffler. It makes the same sound.

Top 10 Things to do in a Fight

2005-04-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

This is a list of the top 10 things anyone could do in a fight. As a whole, I am not an advocate of fighting. I think it's kind of unintelligent. IF, however, you ever feel the NEED to fight (ie. you are in danger of being taken to Brown Town), there are certain things you can do to enhance the viewing pleasure of innocent bystanders.

10. Belittlement - It is extremely cool to, before entering a fight, to call down your opponent. Good things to say include comments on his family, size, looks and sexuality.

9. Backup - It is always awesome to have backup at your beck and call. Not just any backup, though. Not your friends or extended family. The only really cool backup to have is a fairly decent sized band of pygmy indians at your disposal who are hidden in not-so-obvious spots around the venue (ie. hidden in the grass, waiting in the trees)

8. Indifference - This only works if you are fighting about something seemingly important. A good example might be your wife/girlfriend. You engage in an excessive amount of belittling with your would-be foe only to back out when you find the real reason for the altercation is the fact that your opponent wants to take your wife/girlfriend back to his house. At this point, look confused, squint your eyes a little bit to show that you are uncertain if he's serious, then shrug and walk away.

7. Curb Stomp - The cruelest move in a street fight is also one of the coolest. You have to do this in a completely blind rage (American History X style) or it doesn't really work. Edward Norton looks so awesome before he curb stomps that dude that tried to steal his car.

6. Outnumbered - It is awesome to be outnumbered by many opponents only to turn around and absolutely demolish them all because you are a black belt in 17 different martial arts. Or the people you are fighting are 9 years old.

5. Different Species - One of the coolest fight scenes I ever saw in a movie was in Far and Away when the one guy whose horse won't race, gets very upset and punches his horse in the face. Always remember that animals don't have feelings so this is completely acceptable.

4. Confidence - Fighting is as much mental as it is physical. If you can obtain a mental edge over your opponent, your chances of winning the fight increase substantially. For example, lets say the hugest nerd in the school wants to fight you and you KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that you can demolish him. Or better yet, lets say a guy in a wheelchair wants to fight you KNOW YOU CAN WIN. First, after the fight starts, let him get in a few good shots. Maybe some wheelchair rammings or something. THEN, as your opponent thinks he has an edge on you, flip his wheelchair over. He will be so shocked at this turn of events that he won't see it coming and will probably think twice before entering a fight with an able bodied person again.

3. Pose - Beat your opponent so soundly that you have time in between uppercuts and headlocks to do various body bulider poses. I find the "Thinker" pose gets the loudest cheers.

2. Double-fist - You know you are in complete control of a fight when you have the presence of mind to hit your opponent with both of you fists AT THE SAME TIME. Damage inflicted is decreased, but embarrassment inflicted is awesomely increased.

1. Wrestling moves - Can it get any more cooler than to put an unwitting opponent into a suplex? How about the Sharpshooter? Performing a Powerbomb will get you the crouds undying love as will a Tombstone Piledriver.

I am officially awesome

2005-04-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

OK, just a short post for those of you that have been chomping at the bit for a taste of LBomb. I went onto google and typed "eljam" and guess what? THIS WEBSITE CAME UP! This just makes it official. I am awesome. I always figured I was awesome, but now, if ANYONE types "eljam" into google.com, they will find me. Post a comment if you agree that I'm awesome. Oh yeah, and working 14+ hours in a row sucks. Alot.

My Landlady blows 2

2005-04-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

I received a post on my My Landlady blows blog entry from some guy named Tucker in Australia. I have never met Tucker and have NO idea how he got my blogsite. However, I am deeply indebted to Tucker as he had an idea that I hadn't thought of. He suggested that I contact that Canadian equivalent of Australia's "Rental Tenancy Association" and see if there was anything I could do about this situation legally.

I should also mention at this point that another situation had arisen where Susan wanted me to leave my suite while she showed it. We had an argument about this where Susan basically told me that since it was her house, she expected me to adhere to her will no matter what. This incensed me. When I got home from having lunch with Rya, I found that Susan had taken it upon herself to clean my bathroom counter of my toiletries and my bedroom floor of some clothes. The clothes included 2 shirts and a pair of sweatpants. This also incensed me.

Continuing with the story, I took Tucker's idea and went to work trying to find out if there was such a thing as a Rental Tenancy Association. Eventually, after making 2 phonecalls, I found there was something called the Rentalsman's Office which enforces the Residential Tenancies Act. I spoke to a representative and she told me that although ,since I gave my one month's notice, Susan doesn't need to give me 24 hours notice prior to entering my suite. HOWEVER, I do not have to leave the premesis. I found this out and when she called me to tell me another person was coming to look at the suite, I had a word with her:

SB - "Ummm, there's someone coming over now that wants to have a look at the suite."
LBomb - "Alright, but there's something I need to talk to you about first."
SB - "OK"
LBomb - "I went to the Rentalsman's Office this afternoon to talk to them about what's going on."
SB - "OK..."
LBomb - "They told me that you were allowed to have as many people come and view the suite as you need to within reasonable hours."
SB "Uh-huh." She said this very pompously

I gave her a few seconds to savour the victory before I dropped the bomb.

LBomb - "They also told me that I don't have to leave the suite if I don't want to."

Silence on the other line...

LBomb - "But out of courtesy, I will stand outside the door while you show people throught."
SB - "Ummm, ok, I guess that will work."
LBomb - "Also, I expect you to stop touching my stuff."
SB - "I haven't touched anything of yours."
LBomb - "You touched my clothes on the floor."
SB - "Oh, yes. I did." Frickin rights she did "I put them into your hamper."
LBomb - "You also swept my toiletries on the bathroom counter into a drawer."
SB - "Umm...oh yes, I did."
LBomb - "You need to stop touching my stuff."
SB - "Then you need to keep your place clean."
LBomb - "It's toiletries. You can go to any house in the country and find toiletries on their bathroom counter. If you want to continue touching my personal belongings, I will stay here while you show the suite to ensure that nothing is touched, moved, or removed."
SB - "Why are you making this such a big deal?"
LBomb - "Because, Susan, I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I'm not asking something difficult. Simply, that you wouldn't touch my personal belongings."
SB - "Fine. I won't touch your stuff."
LBomb - "Thank you. Goodbye." ~click~

Seriously. Don't piss with me. I don't appreciate it.

Tucker - you rule. Thanks, guy.

My Landlady blows

2005-04-01T02:31:00.000-08:00

So first of all, I don't know what's going on with this blog site. the day i set it up, it crashes and people can't see my blog. That totally blows cause lots of people are only going to check my blog from the link i sent them in the email. So, instead of my site being the 8,000,000th most popular site on the internet, it'll be the 8,000,700th most popular site. F.

So back to my story about why my Landlady is a hag. I will refer to her as Susan Bray because that's her real name and I want anyone who is looking for a place to live to know NOT to live with her. Susan knows my schedule. She asked for it and knows that I'm on nights all during the week. So what does she do? Does she have some respect for me seeing as I'm paying rent (even though I've given my month's notice)? No. She goes ahead and schedules people to come look at the house during the afternoon. She called me at 2pm after I had been asleep for 2 hours. This is how the conversation went:

LBomb - In a gravelly sleepy voice "Hello?"
SB - "Hi. Did I wake you?"
LBomb - "Yes. I am werking nights."
SB - "Oh." As if she didn't know "Ummm....well, I have a lady coming over to look at the suite at 3pm. Ummm....is that ok?" It wasn't a question.
LBomb - "Well...I'm SLEEPING..." Hopefully she got the hint.
SB - "Oh. Ummm...well, as you know, since you're moving out I'll have to be showing the suite, so, ummm, that doesn't really work for me." She didn't get the hint.
LBomb - "...Alright..."
SB - "Well, ummm, what time did you get home?"
LBomb - "11"
SB - "Oh, I thought you'd get home at 9. Well maybe I'll see if they can come back later."

Ok...am I missing something here? Who cares if I get off at 11 or if i get off at 9? You're waking me up after either 3 or 5 hours of sleep. This is UNACCEPTABLE. She calls back (waking me up of course), in an hour to tell me they aren't coming til 5. She then has the nerve to say:

SB - "They're coming over at 5, so you can get some more sleep and then clean up a little bit."

Clean up a little bit? No, Susan, I can't clean up a little bit. You can SHUT YOUR MOUTH. First, you infringe on my sleep time which is usually 10-12 hours daily. THEN, you tell me I should clean up a bit? Yeah. I'll clean up. I'll clean my filthy bathroom using your plethora of chest and back hair. I then went upstairs and smacked her in the face with a hot iron (ok, that was a lie cause I'm a pussy).

Who does that to people? I'm paying rent here. Give me a freaking break. I likely pay more than 3/4 of the mortgage in this peice of crap house and you're calling me, after I've slept 2 WHOLE HOURS, and telling me to clean up because you've got someone looking at the suite? I hope your car breaks down and your boyfriend dumps you.

Girl getting kicked

2005-03-31T04:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here at werk, minding my own business, reading a book (which is basically all I do on my nights other than menial chores (ie. sweeping the floor/Baking something for dessert/other) and typing in my blog) when one of the youth in my house (who will always remain nameless due to the sensitivity of my job) comes down the stairs to tell me that there is a girl getting beaten up in the alleyway. At first I can't hear YOUTH because the dishwasher and the dryer are both going. YOUTH says again that there is a girl outside in the alleyway getting beaten up.

I immediately feel the need to see this spectacle and confirm its truth for myself seeing as there are times when the youth at my house are less than truthful. I run (slowly walk) up the stairs and into YOUTH's room to check it out. Sure enough there's a girl on the ground pleading for mercy at the hands of what i can only assume is her boyfriend.

Not surprisingly, BOYFRIEND is dressed like a typical Regina Gang-Star with low-rise jeans, a hoodie and baseball cap turned partly to the side (I assume so people know he's "different" and "original" from all the other Regina Gang-Stars in town). I can't really tell what GIRLFRIEND is dressed like as she is lying on the ground with her feet towards BOYFRIEND in a feeble attempt to ward off his vicious kicks.

I'll take time now to admit to everyone reading this that I'm a huge pussy. Huge. Instead of running right outside to confront BOYFRIEND, I go directly to the phone and call the police. It's not the fact that I'm afraid of confrontation cause I'm not. What I am afraid of, though, is the percentage of chance that BOYFRIEND is "packing a nine" (approximately 1% chance). I talk to the police and I ask them if I should go out to confront BOYFRIEND. I am told that I shouldn't because I don't want to invite danger onto myself. I agreed that I didn't want a cap to be busted into me and left the issue at that.

I went back into YOUTH's room to time the cops to see how long they'd take. BOYFRIEND was still kicking GIRLFRIEND and swearing at her quietly so as not to be heard by neighbors. In about 2 minutes a police car came streaking down the alley after BOYFRIEND. Of course, in typical Regina Gang-Star fashion, BOYFRIEND ran away from the cops yelling expletives in his wake.

I don't imagine the cops found BOYFRIEND as they circled back to the alleyway within 5 minutes of searching, but at least GIRLFRIEND was safe. Just another night in the life of the Peoples Champ LBomb.

Blogs Suck

2005-03-31T01:33:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to state that i do understand the irony of having a title that says "blogs suck" while using a blog. I have mostly always hated blogs. The only thing I like about blogs is when they're funny. No one wants to know all about your day. For example, if i started talking about how I woke up at 8:00pm (yes pm) and immediately went to the washroom then i went to The Last Straw, then I went to my girlfriends house, I would have to punch myself in the face, then probably commit S. Seriously NO ONE CARES THAT I TOOK A LEAK!!!

With that in mind, I have no idea how often I will be posting on this "blog" or "b-log" or "web log". I can only say that i will be posting stories or various other things that I think are funny. If you don't think they're funny, don't read my blog. Actually, read my blog anyways cause you likely have nothing better to do.

I also will try to use cool names for people who are spoken about in this blog. If you think that i'll likely be posting about you cause you're my friend/you're funny/you're lame/i'm lame, you can post a comment asking if you can have a certain name when i mention you. Likely I will take into consideration your wishes unless you're someone like Bippy (no offense Bippy) cause Bippy is way cooler than any other name anyone could think of.