Subaru is going out of business.

In case you haven't heard the rumors (initiated by myself), let me let you in on a little secret. Don't buy a Subaru. They're going out of business. Sure they still have commercials, cars, sales lots and everything else you need to make it LOOK like a company still prospers, but do NOT let the facade fool you.

'But Lbomb', you might say. 'If Subaru is going out of business, how is it possible that they can still afford to have commercials on TV, cars on their lots and everything else you might need to make it look like a company still prospers?'.

Don't worry, folks. I've got the answers you're looking for. Yes, Subaru still has all the aforementioned necessities, but what it's cutbacks are consuming is its personel. Subaru no longer has money to pay people to actually WRITE their commercials, so they let mentally handicapped people do it instead. For much cheaper, nonetheless. In fact, a good source (my fabricative intellect) has told me that Subaru pays their handicapped staff the equivalent of what a child is paid for 14 hours a day sewing Nike socks in the Philippines.

Now you might say 'But Lbomb, you make ridiculous things up all of the time that aren't true. What makes you think you can fool us into thinking what you're saying NOW is true?'.

My answer to you is 'Shut the hell up'.

But to those of you who are legitimately curious, let me give proof.

In Subaru's recent commercial they claim that they believe symmetrical all-wheel drive is as important as the following 3 things:

1. Brakes - No. F. If a car didn't have brakes, people would die. This is NOT the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was careening off a cliff and said "sure wish I took that symmetrical all-wheel drive the salesman was talking about."? Never.

2. Steering wheel - No. You make me want to commit S. If a car didn't have a steering wheel, people would die. Not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was streaking towards an on-coming Semi and yelled "Where is that symmetrical all-wheel drive when you need it?"? It's never happened.

3. Engine - No. You're obviously retarded. If a car didn't have an engine IT WOULDN'T START. Once again, not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time you couldn't start you car and screamed "GD symmetrical all-wheel drive!!!!"? You may have said this. If you were retarded.

You'd have never invested in Enron had you known it was a bust, so why invest in Subaru?