Saturday, November 25, 2006

Subaru is going out of business.

In case you haven't heard the rumors (initiated by myself), let me let you in on a little secret. Don't buy a Subaru. They're going out of business. Sure they still have commercials, cars, sales lots and everything else you need to make it LOOK like a company still prospers, but do NOT let the facade fool you.

'But Lbomb', you might say. 'If Subaru is going out of business, how is it possible that they can still afford to have commercials on TV, cars on their lots and everything else you might need to make it look like a company still prospers?'.

Don't worry, folks. I've got the answers you're looking for. Yes, Subaru still has all the aforementioned necessities, but what it's cutbacks are consuming is its personel. Subaru no longer has money to pay people to actually WRITE their commercials, so they let mentally handicapped people do it instead. For much cheaper, nonetheless. In fact, a good source (my fabricative intellect) has told me that Subaru pays their handicapped staff the equivalent of what a child is paid for 14 hours a day sewing Nike socks in the Philippines.

Now you might say 'But Lbomb, you make ridiculous things up all of the time that aren't true. What makes you think you can fool us into thinking what you're saying NOW is true?'.

My answer to you is 'Shut the hell up'.

But to those of you who are legitimately curious, let me give proof.

In Subaru's recent commercial they claim that they believe symmetrical all-wheel drive is as important as the following 3 things:

1. Brakes - No. F. If a car didn't have brakes, people would die. This is NOT the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was careening off a cliff and said "sure wish I took that symmetrical all-wheel drive the salesman was talking about."? Never.

2. Steering wheel - No. You make me want to commit S. If a car didn't have a steering wheel, people would die. Not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was streaking towards an on-coming Semi and yelled "Where is that symmetrical all-wheel drive when you need it?"? It's never happened.

3. Engine - No. You're obviously retarded. If a car didn't have an engine IT WOULDN'T START. Once again, not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time you couldn't start you car and screamed "GD symmetrical all-wheel drive!!!!"? You may have said this. If you were retarded.

You'd have never invested in Enron had you known it was a bust, so why invest in Subaru?

321 Comments:

At 5:29 AM, Blogger Coral said...

i dont have a subaru.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger Hendy said...

I agree.. there are times when commercials are about the best entertainment out there.. but this commercial made me about as mad as I get when I watch Don Taylor report Sports News.. and that's pretty mad

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Frank Catalanotto; home run.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger b00erns said...

haha.. that commercial has been an itch in your ass for months. i'm glad you finally gave it a good scratch.

 
At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll tell you why, wicked ass vehicles to drive. Those puppies handle like no ones business. Yes the commericials are atrocious but the mass majority of car commericals are, what did you expect? If your reason to buy a vehicle is based on a commerical then that is gay. Fact: Subaru's stock continues to rise.

 
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FACT. Anonymous bloggers continue to be gay. Seriously, all you need to do is put other, and enter a name. You don't even need to sign up.

 
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Is that directed at me, or at the anonymous fag?

 
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i have a subaru and that thing has saved my life countless times. just like ABS brakes which i have too. not a necessity but it sure fvckin helps. and a difference of life or death sometimes or the difference between your car totaled or not. I came around a corner one time going 40 in the rain. (speed limit 45. 35 around corner) and there was 6 deer in the road with 4 foot ditches on the sides. with no chance of stopping even with ABS i had to drift slalom through all of them and somehow came out untouched. and i was completely sideways both ways pushing hard to guide through. I've also had cars sliding towards me at 50 mph on ice and snow driving up to the pass to snowboard and had to drop down a gear and drift around them to avoid them 360ing at me. i barely missed that guy and he ended up in a ditch full of snow. lucky for AWD he didn't kill me and my friends and the other side of the road is a cliff with not much to stop u. thank god for AWD and or 4WD on other vehicles. but its all opinions and experience. and i'm a pretty good driver. i like to drift. in safe wide open areas where no one is. like huge parking lots with snow and no one.

 
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