Saturday, November 25, 2006

Subaru is going out of business.

In case you haven't heard the rumors (initiated by myself), let me let you in on a little secret. Don't buy a Subaru. They're going out of business. Sure they still have commercials, cars, sales lots and everything else you need to make it LOOK like a company still prospers, but do NOT let the facade fool you.

'But Lbomb', you might say. 'If Subaru is going out of business, how is it possible that they can still afford to have commercials on TV, cars on their lots and everything else you might need to make it look like a company still prospers?'.

Don't worry, folks. I've got the answers you're looking for. Yes, Subaru still has all the aforementioned necessities, but what it's cutbacks are consuming is its personel. Subaru no longer has money to pay people to actually WRITE their commercials, so they let mentally handicapped people do it instead. For much cheaper, nonetheless. In fact, a good source (my fabricative intellect) has told me that Subaru pays their handicapped staff the equivalent of what a child is paid for 14 hours a day sewing Nike socks in the Philippines.

Now you might say 'But Lbomb, you make ridiculous things up all of the time that aren't true. What makes you think you can fool us into thinking what you're saying NOW is true?'.

My answer to you is 'Shut the hell up'.

But to those of you who are legitimately curious, let me give proof.

In Subaru's recent commercial they claim that they believe symmetrical all-wheel drive is as important as the following 3 things:

1. Brakes - No. F. If a car didn't have brakes, people would die. This is NOT the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was careening off a cliff and said "sure wish I took that symmetrical all-wheel drive the salesman was talking about."? Never.

2. Steering wheel - No. You make me want to commit S. If a car didn't have a steering wheel, people would die. Not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time someone was streaking towards an on-coming Semi and yelled "Where is that symmetrical all-wheel drive when you need it?"? It's never happened.

3. Engine - No. You're obviously retarded. If a car didn't have an engine IT WOULDN'T START. Once again, not the case with symmetrical all-wheel drive. When's the last time you couldn't start you car and screamed "GD symmetrical all-wheel drive!!!!"? You may have said this. If you were retarded.

You'd have never invested in Enron had you known it was a bust, so why invest in Subaru?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


As I've said for years now, if there was a legitimate competitive league for floor hockey (FH), I would be in it. I would have at least made it to the WHL. For years I've been dominating floor hockey all over Saskatchewan. I know this post is a little on the late side, but I don't care. I simply need to express how awesome I am at floor hockey.

Now, I would first like to say that in no way am I good at real ice-hockey. Not that I don't have the skills to be successful, only that I suck hard at skating. If I could skate well, I would tear ice-hockey up.

Now back to FH. I have been inactive from FH for approximately 3 years now. I used to play 2-3 times a week when I lived in the "Sunshine Capital" but I no longer live in the "Sunshine Capital" and no longer work an accomodating schedule. To appreciate my former FH prowess, come with me on a journey filled with excitement and intrigue...

While playing FH in the "Sunshine Capital", 2FNLO and I came to a mutual hatred of "Leafs Goalie". He would come to FH inconsistenly then play goal (2FNLO's position) poorly. One day he thought it might be a good idea to oust 2FNLO from his coveted goaltender position. I told 2FNLO that I would score on Leafs Goalie so many times that he would become so embarrassed he would leave the gym therefore opening a spot for 2FNLO to play goalie. In a matter of 30 minutes I scored on Leafs Goalie so many times that he smashed his goalie stick into the floor of the gym, shattering it upon contact, then storming off NEVER TO BE SEEN AT FH AGAIN. 2FNLO will verify this story.

Recently, I had another chance to prove how amazing at FH I am. A group of guys were getting together to play FH one night and I began hyping myself up to Burnsy. I claimed that I was awesome at FH and that I would dominate. Burnsy was incredulous seeing as I blow at ice hockey due to my ineptitude at skating. I ensured Burnsy that I was awesome.

That night I scored 12 goals. Not to mention assists or shootout goals (of which I was the only player there to make good on both my attempts). I absolutely TROUNCED any competition in both the goals and the points columns. I dominated.

If you're picking players for an FH team, I will go 1st overall.

Counters Rule