Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Bottom 6 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now

This post is inspired by Hendy’s post on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is also inspired by the movie I went to tonight called Man of the Hour (which I went to with Bagodi and Boogaard’s Bitch who left before the movie was even finished). Here is the list of the Bottom 6 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now.

6. Boogeyman - This movie had as much fright to it as Lassie. The worst part about it was that it had that good-looking guy from 7th Heaven in it and I really expected this to be his breakthrough movie gig. Surprisingly, his acting was sub-par and some would even say breathtakingly horrible. Who would have thought considering the quality programming that Aaron Spelling put out. Before he died...

5. Hero - Many of you likely know/have seen this movie, but know it by its other name; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The worst thing about this movie is not the ridiculous length or the awful story or the stupidity of the martial arts. It’s the fact that it was presented by Quentin Tarantino. I don’t care who you are, but that guy puts out good movies; Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill 1 & 2, Pulp Fiction and From Dusk til Dawn just to name a few. When I heard that Quentin Tarantino presented this film, I was pumped...until I saw it. Then I felt like an enormous anvil had been dropped on my nuts.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Otherwise known as the movie which people don’t know the title of because it’s grotesquely long and has nothing to do with anything. To be completely honest with you, I can’t properly critique this movie because I was high on cocaine about halfway through the movie when I realized that Jim Carrey wasn’t making any jokes. I remember glimpses though...Kirsten Dunst looking hot...the naked girl from Titanic not being naked...Frodo...never mind. It’s all a blur of awful.

3. The Village - Name one person who went to this movie that hadn’t spent hours wondering what the ‘monster’ was. The previews were better than the actual movie. M. Night Shimmylimmy is laughing all the way to the bank with YOUR MONEY because he just got the last $10 you were going to spend on your boyfriends brand new Xbox because he "loves you" and doesn’t want to "use you in that way". Yeah right. If you didn’t walk out of this movie as soon as you found out the monster was a costume, you’re an idiot.

2. Matrix Reloaded - This is principle based. Keanu Reeves is so awful. SO awful. Also, I remember watching the ending and turning to 2 Fn Lo and saying "Did that just happen? Are we allowed to get our $6 back? Can you shoot me in the face? Does this mean they are going to make a 3rd? Please, God, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t. Why now? How could this have happened during my lifetime? Is there a way I can go back in time and get cancer so I don’t have to watch this? Please tell me there is. If there is and you don’t tell me, I will shove a broom handle up your newborn child’s anus. Just try me. Just try and lie to me right now. You’ll bring the noise".

1. Big Fish - Never in my life have I seen a more terrible movie than this. If you’ve never seen this movie, just imagine a barren field 100 miles long and 100 miles wide. Then imagine a Transformer taking a huge crap on that field. There. Now you’ve seen the movie. The entire show is about an old-balls guy who tells stories that suck. His son doesn’t believe the stories are true, but later finds out that they are. The worst part about it is that the stories are awful. For example; One time I met a really tall guy. He was at least 7'8. That’s the end of the story. That’s it. No punch line, nothing interesting. Just a tall guy I met. WHO CARES?? Seriously, the movie is like 2-3 hours of stories JUST LIKE THAT. The only thing that kept me from committing S after that movie was the song that Pearl Jam wrote that played during the credits.

Pearl Jam is cool.

21 Comments:

At 8:31 PM, Anonymous bagodi said...

Well, of course I feel compelled to comment as I was at Man of the Year. That is 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life that i'm never getting back! And yes, I left early, why go to work late and have to come in early the next night when I can execute my free will and walk out. Laura Linney was AWFUL! That and I really wish we had followed katheter's suggestion to just "walk in" because we were robbed! It may not be the worst movie i've ever seen but i've never walked out of a movie early before. That and when the "bitch" rookie (you know who you are) was envisioning a giant squirrel killing them in the paint ball scene, too damn funny! Thanks for suffering through most of it with me and for posting so I had something to do on my last set of nights!! See you at work!

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger michael lewis said...

#6 - Never saw it. Probably won't.

#5 - You're wrong.

#4 - Again, you're wrong. But don't worry, you're from Saskatchewan. How could you be expected to know good film?

#3 - Remember "Signs"? Anything by that Shamalan (or whatever) is bound to be completely stupid. And there is no difference with The Hamlet. Oh wait! That could be his next film!

#2 - There originally was potential with The Matrix. But after that....

#1 - Couldn't agree more! I was forced by Air Canada to watch this tripe on a flight from Calgary to Toronto. This is the only time in my life where I was praying for the plane to crash to get that damn movie off the screens. I wasn't listening to it, but even having to watch it was bad enough. Ewen McGregor, how could he go from Trainspotting to Big Fish? Damn.

#1a - Pearl Sham sux. Seriously, they had a couple of ok songs on Ten, and then it's been downhill since then.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger cmannsta said...

I wanna see Man of the Year! I thin it looks good. As for the "top six" i haven't seen any of them aside from Eternal Sun..something or another...I can't even remember what it is called. And super bad too! But I think the main reason why I haven't watched any of them, not to brag myself up or anything or make you feel bad Lbomb (wink wink, is solely based on the fact that I "already knew they would be bad!" TADA...

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Coral said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Coral said...

"Bottom 6 worst …" a double negative. Which in fact negates your original intention for the post. Is this mere ignorance or a Freudian slip?

As for me - perhaps I am smart enough to judge by both inductive and deductive reasoning the potential 'suck factor' of a movie as suggested by the title, actors, and trailers, thus not wasting time nor money on 5 out of the 6 listed here.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Actually, you're an idiot because "bottom" isn't a negative anything. It's more likely that the reason you haven't seen most of these movies is because your mother wasn't around to count your change for you.

 
At 12:16 AM, Blogger b00erns said...

Your ability to critique movies rivals Tie Domi's ability to score goals. Nice post ass clown.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Coral said...

haha 'top' would suggest they are the 'top' of the worst list, as in - doesnt get worse...bottom suggests there are 'worse' movies which come prior- but nice try lol

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Burnsy, you're just upset because no one checks your blog and because you masturbate to Big Fish. Coral, it's so funny when you try to be smart because we all know it's a facade trying to cover the insecure little girl who just wishes someone would love her. The name of the list is "Bottom 6 Worst Movies". Eat it.

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger cmannsta said...

I like the title....I thought it was catchy. I didn't know blog titles had to be "grammatically correct" either? Keep doing what you doing eljam. I have yet to look at a blog of yours and criticize. I'm too busy laughing my ass off to notice grammar!

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Jen said...

Dearest Lbomb,

In the words of my dear friend cmannsta, I "already knew they would be bad" and saved my money and bought sexy underwear (or something like that...I probably just splurged and bought expensive cheese or wine that doesn't come in a box..sexy underwear has "Effect") instead. Dude, did you think the Squating Wombat/Stooping Mongoose was going to have some rivetting plot?? Like c'mon here!

I have to agree with all of your choices exept for one, I loved "Big Fish" LOVED IT!! Cried like a damn baby!! I loved it. Just think lbomb, you'll be lying on your death bed one day and be telling your kids this enormous tale about this chick in your high school who was like rock star, and had super hero hotness powers and she never gave you the time of day until one day about 6 years later she saw you at JD's and talked to you and she even knew your parents' names!! WOW!! I'm your big fish baby...and don't you forget it!

 
At 1:58 AM, Blogger Coral said...

Yes, lbomb you are right. I am an insecure little girl. You are right, I want to be loved. What you failed to mention was that when you are this beautiful, brains take a back seat.

Tonight i got my English exam back; Now, my English class is an advanced English class filled with well educated professionals furthering their education. The class the average on the exam was a 'C', a few failed and only 2 students received A's. Now considering I had not had a chance to study and I wrote my 3hr Exam in less then an hour, I was destined and had resolved to that fact that I would fail. Until that is, I received my exam - not only had I received an A, I had the highest overall mark in the class….hmm damn good façade if you ask me ;) and yes im gloating lol good thing I pride myself on beauty and brains.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger LBomb said...

That's funny. You give an example of you being smart (which no one but yourself can ever know is true) but your picture is of a little girl hugging her daddy...

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger Coral said...

p.s since when does hugging ones father dumb them down LOL

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger LBomb said...

It doesn't. The point was proving that you couldn't find any recent pictures of yourself to put up to validate the beauty portion of your claim.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Hendy said...

You forgot to mention Spice World, and the Blair Witch project. I haven't seen a few of these movies, mostly because I heard they sucked, but I'd say that Spice World and Blair Witch have to easily overtake Eternal Sunshine.. I also think that movie that whoreface Britney Spears made has to be on this list.. though it was so bad I don't even remember what it was called.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Obviously, I would have no choice but to take into consideration all 3 movies you suggested. However, at the time of writing this, those movies didn't even cross my mind. In fact, the only one of those movies I've actually seen is Blair Witch Project. Unfortunately for all of the 6 movies I reviewed, Blair Witch doesn't even come close to the awfulness they exude.

 
At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Misty said...

Luke, you forgot Save the Last Dance!

 
At 1:57 AM, Blogger Coral said...

cause you dont know what i look like apart from this picture...my bad, i forgot.

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off this is 2fnlo. I am just to lazy to sign in. Yup thats lazy alright.

Secondly is "Misty" really "Mist-nazi"? If so hi, and where did Lbomb dig you up? And of no then too bad I said hi, an if your hot how you doin?

Lbomb, I can't agree with you more on everything you write. Mostly because we are both equally ranked at #1 as the smartest human beings on the planet.

Hero was the biggest piece of crap since the last Jet Li film. Like what the hell is Jet Lis deal? OOOOO you know martial arts. Dude your like 4 foot tall no one is scared of you, and you act worse that Steven Segall, and he knows martial arts (kinda). I mean Jackie Chan knows no one would be scared of a kung fu midget, so he tries to be funny. Jet Li just tries to look serious, which makes him look like an ill tempered chimp. Which is more retarded then intimidating.

Martix 2 and 3 were horrible. Matrix 1 isn't good, but it holds a little street credit. The "creators" of the Matrix "trilogy" will insist that 3 movies were in the works from the beginning. I disagree. After the anomoly that was the success of "the Matrix" the creators hatched up 2 more movies. I mean if your going to sellout at least do so with a seamless plot, and not a bunch of retarded misdirection and consfusion.

Worst trilogy ever. Even worse than the Home Alone trilogy.

As for the other movies on your list, I could sense their retardedness from so far away I chose not to divulge in their dreary offers.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger cmannsta said...

Alrighty, time for a new blog lbomb, it is now taking forever to scroll down every time a new comment is made. That and I really like the "new blogs." I am overwhelmed with anticipation as to what is brewing in that head of yours. Oh and I should send you the photo of you in your "halloween" getup,(which btw was one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time!) you could add it to your blog. I think that would be fantastic, plus no one would technically know who you are as you are wearing a mask (aka swim goggles!)

PS. I'm a bit scared to post comments now as I did not take an honors masters doctorate english class, and am trembling at the prospect of having my "blog" comments hacked apart! LOL

 

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