Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Bottom 6 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now

This post is inspired by Hendy’s post on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is also inspired by the movie I went to tonight called Man of the Hour (which I went to with Bagodi and Boogaard’s Bitch who left before the movie was even finished). Here is the list of the Bottom 6 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen That I Can Think of Right Now.

6. Boogeyman - This movie had as much fright to it as Lassie. The worst part about it was that it had that good-looking guy from 7th Heaven in it and I really expected this to be his breakthrough movie gig. Surprisingly, his acting was sub-par and some would even say breathtakingly horrible. Who would have thought considering the quality programming that Aaron Spelling put out. Before he died...

5. Hero - Many of you likely know/have seen this movie, but know it by its other name; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The worst thing about this movie is not the ridiculous length or the awful story or the stupidity of the martial arts. It’s the fact that it was presented by Quentin Tarantino. I don’t care who you are, but that guy puts out good movies; Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill 1 & 2, Pulp Fiction and From Dusk til Dawn just to name a few. When I heard that Quentin Tarantino presented this film, I was pumped...until I saw it. Then I felt like an enormous anvil had been dropped on my nuts.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Otherwise known as the movie which people don’t know the title of because it’s grotesquely long and has nothing to do with anything. To be completely honest with you, I can’t properly critique this movie because I was high on cocaine about halfway through the movie when I realized that Jim Carrey wasn’t making any jokes. I remember glimpses though...Kirsten Dunst looking hot...the naked girl from Titanic not being naked...Frodo...never mind. It’s all a blur of awful.

3. The Village - Name one person who went to this movie that hadn’t spent hours wondering what the ‘monster’ was. The previews were better than the actual movie. M. Night Shimmylimmy is laughing all the way to the bank with YOUR MONEY because he just got the last $10 you were going to spend on your boyfriends brand new Xbox because he "loves you" and doesn’t want to "use you in that way". Yeah right. If you didn’t walk out of this movie as soon as you found out the monster was a costume, you’re an idiot.

2. Matrix Reloaded - This is principle based. Keanu Reeves is so awful. SO awful. Also, I remember watching the ending and turning to 2 Fn Lo and saying "Did that just happen? Are we allowed to get our $6 back? Can you shoot me in the face? Does this mean they are going to make a 3rd? Please, God, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t. Why now? How could this have happened during my lifetime? Is there a way I can go back in time and get cancer so I don’t have to watch this? Please tell me there is. If there is and you don’t tell me, I will shove a broom handle up your newborn child’s anus. Just try me. Just try and lie to me right now. You’ll bring the noise".

1. Big Fish - Never in my life have I seen a more terrible movie than this. If you’ve never seen this movie, just imagine a barren field 100 miles long and 100 miles wide. Then imagine a Transformer taking a huge crap on that field. There. Now you’ve seen the movie. The entire show is about an old-balls guy who tells stories that suck. His son doesn’t believe the stories are true, but later finds out that they are. The worst part about it is that the stories are awful. For example; One time I met a really tall guy. He was at least 7'8. That’s the end of the story. That’s it. No punch line, nothing interesting. Just a tall guy I met. WHO CARES?? Seriously, the movie is like 2-3 hours of stories JUST LIKE THAT. The only thing that kept me from committing S after that movie was the song that Pearl Jam wrote that played during the credits.

Pearl Jam is cool.

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