Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Universal Stages of Restraint.

As some of you know, I work at a group home for "troubled" youth. At times, due to innumerable circumstances, these youth can become irrational and extremely volatile resulting in 1 or more staff having to restrain them.

Also, try to understand that these youth behave in a specific way when they are being restrained. As you can imagine, they don't like it and take great offense to it. However, once the restraint is completed and you've had a chance to speak with the youth rationally, often the youth responds better to treatment, even if it is only for a brief period of time. What I didn't know until recently is that whether you're 13 or 37, humans respond to being restrained in the exact same way.

Bagodi, Holesmasher, KSlang and I went for wings et al at a local Brew Pub in town. After a fulfilling conversation, we were rudely interrupted by a ruckus near the door. Apparently, a man who had confronted me earlier in the night asking me if I was eyeing him up because "he was wearing the same clothes as me", had had too much to drink and was getting violent outside on the deck. He had been asked to leave by the managers, but refused stating that he was an 'R.C.' and that they should 'try and get violent' with him.

Eventually R.C. left and we continued our night. When we left, however, we heard a ruckus on the deck. We investigated only to find R.C. being physically restrained by a 40+ Correctional Officer with a wicked handlebar moustache, a 40+ female C.O. weighing 100 lbs and another female C.O. with her rack hanging out of her shirt. This is when my epiphany crept in about the Universal Stages of Restraint.

Anger (name calling) - "F you A-holes!! I'm an R.C.!! You C.O.'s are f-ing no-job losers!!

Feeble Struggling - Involves restrainee struggling futilely against the sheer number of people and the ill effects of alcohol poisoning. Gratuitous "paunch shots" occur throughout this stage.

Visible (actual) Pain - Includes screwing up of facial features and yelling "You're breaking my f-ing ~insert desired bone here~".

Anger (threats) - "When I get up, I'm gonna f-ing kill you all!!!" "Bring on the cops! I'm an R.C.. You'll all be sorry tomorrow when I'm back on duty!!"

Silence - The restrainee attempts to fool everyone by being the 'bigger man'. To the untrained eye, this stage can come across as an actual repentance and eager yearning to talk things our rationally.

False Pain - Often occurs when the restrainee is being let up. Involves horrific shrieking, groaning and 'F' and 'S' bombs being dropped like Hiroshima, but everyone who can actually see what is going on knows that no one is being hurt.

Self-Pity - Lamentations about how they have no friends and everyone hates them. "Do you think I like drinking alone??"

Indignation - Usually occurs after the restraint is finished. The restrainee realizes that they are free so they begin to spout off again...although consciously not being physically imposing.

There is one more part to this story which need to be told to properly complete it. A colleague of mine, Revo, used to work for the same facility that Handlebar C.O. works for. One day on shift, Handlebar C.O. and an Average C.O. were working a shift together when they saw a rat on the other side of the chainlink fence. Average C.O. had a slingshot and attempted to hit the rat. Of course, he was unsuccessful. Handlebar C.O. took the slingshot, aimed and NAILED the rat. First shot. From behind a chainlink fence. From 30-40ft away. Incredible.

C.O.'s with handlebar moustaches mercilessly restraint people and are hardcore.


At 12:25 PM, Anonymous bagodi said...

Again another classic! I especially enjoyed when the other C.O.'s present brought out refreshments (beers) for the C.O.'s involved, very thoughtful! I think that you forgot one stage, not that I can blame you, Self-soiling! I must say that if that guy did not actually shat his pants then he was the foulest smelling human i've ever come across. Also, as a side note, if you are ever in a situation where you need to be cuffed by some off duty C.O.'s and have to wait the standard 30-45 minutes for police to arrive, be warned that it will take an additional 10-20 minutes to remove the C.O. cuffs and replace them with the standard police issue. It is so inconsiderate and such an inconvenience to have to deal with incompetent officers of the law when you are a belligerent, smelly, lonely, drunk asshole (or R.C. as in this case)! I love Regina! GT! GT!

At 2:12 PM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

I have no clue what a C.O. or R.C. is. However I have decided to grow a handlebar mustach, in order to accelerate my quest of world domination.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

C.O. is Correctional Officer. Similar to a guard in a prison. R.C. is short for R.C.M.P. which is short for Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger michael lewis said...


I've always wanted to know, what's the L stand for?

(My first guess is Labia-sandwich-Lover, but that's got two L's.)

At 10:13 AM, Blogger michael lewis said...

C.O. could also indicate Conservation Officer. But why would they have handcuffs? At a bar? In the city?

Oh wait, was the R.C. a wild animal needing protection, or merely a common human poaching the dignity and civility out of the fine city of Regina?

At 3:10 AM, Blogger Coral said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:11 AM, Blogger Coral said...

So roughly 6 months ago I ended a 'relationship' with an R.C which lasted all of -too many months. Perhaps this type of behavior is common for the R.C. In my particular case he decided to forget he was in a relationship and decided pursue other venues of pleasure while still maintaining a certain level of intimacy with the preceding lady of choice (ie. Moi). Hmmm they really are ‘Royal Canadian MOUNTED Police”, personified. Perhaps that should be edited to “Royal Canadian MOTHER PUCKERS”
These two incidences have changed my view on law enforcement officials, I mean common THESE are the people who keep our streets SAFE? These are the people we tell our kids (not that I have any…) to respect and feel protected in the presence of? You’ve got to be effing kidding me. “Sure little eljam Sgt. Dickweed dated mommy and cheated on her, sure he beat up daddy back in the day and smashed a beer bottle over his head, sure he uses our tax money that should be going to fund your public education programs to pay for his personal calls on the detachments satellite phone, but I want you to know if you have any trouble you can go to the sarge with it, and trust him…he IS the modern day example of peace and prosperity” MY ASS that’s one more R.C that can stay in bumble f*ck


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