Universal Stages of Restraint.

As some of you know, I work at a group home for "troubled" youth. At times, due to innumerable circumstances, these youth can become irrational and extremely volatile resulting in 1 or more staff having to restrain them.

Also, try to understand that these youth behave in a specific way when they are being restrained. As you can imagine, they don't like it and take great offense to it. However, once the restraint is completed and you've had a chance to speak with the youth rationally, often the youth responds better to treatment, even if it is only for a brief period of time. What I didn't know until recently is that whether you're 13 or 37, humans respond to being restrained in the exact same way.

Bagodi, Holesmasher, KSlang and I went for wings et al at a local Brew Pub in town. After a fulfilling conversation, we were rudely interrupted by a ruckus near the door. Apparently, a man who had confronted me earlier in the night asking me if I was eyeing him up because "he was wearing the same clothes as me", had had too much to drink and was getting violent outside on the deck. He had been asked to leave by the managers, but refused stating that he was an 'R.C.' and that they should 'try and get violent' with him.

Eventually R.C. left and we continued our night. When we left, however, we heard a ruckus on the deck. We investigated only to find R.C. being physically restrained by a 40+ Correctional Officer with a wicked handlebar moustache, a 40+ female C.O. weighing 100 lbs and another female C.O. with her rack hanging out of her shirt. This is when my epiphany crept in about the Universal Stages of Restraint.

Anger (name calling) - "F you A-holes!! I'm an R.C.!! You C.O.'s are f-ing no-job losers!!

Feeble Struggling - Involves restrainee struggling futilely against the sheer number of people and the ill effects of alcohol poisoning. Gratuitous "paunch shots" occur throughout this stage.

Visible (actual) Pain - Includes screwing up of facial features and yelling "You're breaking my f-ing ~insert desired bone here~".

Anger (threats) - "When I get up, I'm gonna f-ing kill you all!!!" "Bring on the cops! I'm an R.C.. You'll all be sorry tomorrow when I'm back on duty!!"

Silence - The restrainee attempts to fool everyone by being the 'bigger man'. To the untrained eye, this stage can come across as an actual repentance and eager yearning to talk things our rationally.

False Pain - Often occurs when the restrainee is being let up. Involves horrific shrieking, groaning and 'F' and 'S' bombs being dropped like Hiroshima, but everyone who can actually see what is going on knows that no one is being hurt.

Self-Pity - Lamentations about how they have no friends and everyone hates them. "Do you think I like drinking alone??"

Indignation - Usually occurs after the restraint is finished. The restrainee realizes that they are free so they begin to spout off again...although consciously not being physically imposing.

There is one more part to this story which need to be told to properly complete it. A colleague of mine, Revo, used to work for the same facility that Handlebar C.O. works for. One day on shift, Handlebar C.O. and an Average C.O. were working a shift together when they saw a rat on the other side of the chainlink fence. Average C.O. had a slingshot and attempted to hit the rat. Of course, he was unsuccessful. Handlebar C.O. took the slingshot, aimed and NAILED the rat. First shot. From behind a chainlink fence. From 30-40ft away. Incredible.

C.O.'s with handlebar moustaches mercilessly restraint people and are hardcore.