Monday, April 24, 2006

The night my world came crumbling down.

There are only a few things in life you can really count on. The changing of the seasons, the rising of the sun, Pamela Anderson's Hepatitis C, rape. But a week ago, one of those sure things failed me.

I was out with some work friends (Bagodi, Cmannsta, Birdhair and a few others) a week ago after work. We all met at Birdhair's house and played some poker. After the second hand (and my buying in for a second time), we really started getting into the poker game. Admittedly, I was also very involved in Sportscentre as they were showing highlights of the last Canadiens game of the regular season. This, no doubt, translated into me not winning the poker match. Rest assured, had I not been unfocused, the pot would have been mine. But that is neither here nor there.

After the game, Bagodi and I got into my car as Bagodi doesn't have her license (anymore) and I was driving her home (again). We were both hungry and I had to get up early the next day, so we opted for McDonald's. Now as we all know, McDonald's has the McDeal where every day they have one extra value meal on sale for $3.99. Some days, the McDeal is sweet (ie. Quarter-pounder w/ Cheese day and Double Cheeseburger day). Other days, the McDeal blows (ie. Filet -o-Fish day and McChicken day).

As it was early Wednesday morning, and therefore McChicken day, I opted for my beloved fallback plan: The 2 Cheeseburger Meal. All of a sudden, the goodness of the world seemed to fall from beneath me...

Burger Jockey - Welcome to McDonald's, how may I help you?

Lbomb - Yeah. I'll have the 2 Cheeseburger meal. Supersized. With extra mayo. And a Rootbeer.

BJ - Sorry sir, we no longer have the 2 Cheeseburger meal.

Lbomb - ~excruciatingly long pause~...what?...

BJ - We no longer have the 2 Cheeseburger meal.

Lbomb - ~visibly shaken~ Well...what do you have instead?

BJ - I don't know. I think we have the Jr. Chicken meal.

I sat in stunned silence for a few seconds after we ordered our meals. Then began the 5 stages of Grief.

DENIAL - No. BJ is lying. This is all a big joke they play on their customers late at night.
BARGAINING - Oh please, Lord; if you let the 2 Cheeseburger meal continue, I will stop hating Mexicans.
DEPRESSION - Oh's all over. Could life possible get any worse? Well...maybe if Kid Rock recorded a new album...
ACCEPTANCE - Well, I guess I'll just have to go with the Double Big Mac meal. It tastes pretty good if you dilute it with a litre of Cola.

I all honesty, getting rid of the 2 Cheeseburger meal had to be the stupidest move made by McDonald's since the Arch Deluxe.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Craziest. Girl. Ever. 3

This post marks the final part of a trilogy that rivals the popularity (although not the embarrassment) of the Matrix Trilogy and almost equals the writing brilliance of The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants.

Brian had had enough of Tara and her insanity. They broke up and discontinued seeing each other entirely. This, however, wasn't enough for Brian. He decided to move out and keep the whereabouts of his new place a secret from Tara. He thought this would be the best way to keep her out of his life forever. Brian also changed his cell phone number in case Tara tried to give him the infamous "drunk call" one lonely night.

A couple months passed without contact between Tara and Brian. Randomly, one insignificant night, Brian woke up to the sound of his apartment buzzer. He ignored it as it was past 2am. The buzzer, however, seemed to be oblivious of the ridiculous hour and continued its noisy serenade. Brian got up and through the speaker heard a hauntingly familiar drunken voice: Tara's. Tara plead with him to let her into the apartment; claiming she was sorry for all the wrong she'd done him and that she still loved him. Brian, wanting no part in this game anymore, ignored Tara's pleas.

Incensed, Tara determinedly proceeded to buzz EVERYONE ON THE APARTMENT DIRECTORY. She finally convinced an older woman to let her in (who coincidentally lives next door to Brian), claiming that she was Brian's girlfriend and she forgot her keys to the apartment. Tara climbed the stairs to the old woman's apartment and when she opened the door for Tara, Tara roughly pushed past the old lady. She walked through the poor frightened woman's house and opened her patio doors. Once on the woman's deck, Tara thought the best idea would be to climb from the old woman's deck over to Brian's deck.

Keep in mind here that a reliable source told me that "I would never have made that climb sober. Let alone wasted. Not only are the 2 decks a significant distance from each other, but it was winter and incredibly icy.".

Tara somehow made it to Brian's deck (all the while the old woman is screaming at her to please come back) which is full of furniture that Brian hadn't had the time to move inside his house yet. Brian heard the commotion and saw Tara on his deck. The next thing Brian heard was sirens. Police sirens. Tara had made so much noise and caused such a discombobulation that several of the tennants in the apartment building had called the cops.

Brian, furious, pulled Tara out of the cold and into the house. He instructed her to strip naked and go lie in his bed to which Tara complied without comment. When the cops came knocking on Brian's door, they asked to be let in. Brian let them come in and when they go into Brian's room and see Tara lying there naked they asked him if Tara was his girlfriend. Brian says that she is, and the cops leave. Immediatly after the cops leave, Brian tells Tara to get out of his house, which she does.

Why Brian protected Tara from the cops is a mystery to me. Regardless, the outcome of these events was that Tara now has a restraining order against her. Not from Brian, but from the entire apartment building.

The actual whereabouts of Tara is unknown. However, some friends have reported seeing her around town despite her claiming she moved to California to become a nanny.

This trilogy is entirely factual except for insignificant quips added by myself to enhance the humor of the story.

Counters Rule