Monday, November 07, 2005

No, I don't want to give you a dollar.

So not too long ago, a friend of mine named Nelly and I decided we were going to rent Saw on DVD. We get into my car and drive to Blockbuster where we're welcomed by the monotonous voice of Eternal Video Store Clerk (EVSC) saying "Welcome to Blockbuster". We look around for a little bit not wanting to be the idiots that can't find Saw, but finally ask EVSC where it is. It's not in. As we pass out the door, ready to cross the street to Rogers Video, I notice something on the window. From afar, they look like soured onions. But as I get nearer, I suddenly reel back in disgust at the realization of what they are. Childrens Miracle Network balloons.

Suddenly, my mind violently flashes back to the last time I was in Blockbuster. I put the video on the counter and right as I pull a $5 bill out of my pocket, ready to pay for "So You've Contracted a VD?", EVSC drops the bomb.

EVSC - "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Miracle Childrens Network and get a balloon with your name on it up on our 'window of honour'"?

Panic strikes my heart as I file through my extensive list of excuses:
- I'm sick today
- A dog ate my homework
- I think I hear my mom calling
- Actually, I don't know how to skate
- I've just been working so much lately, I couldn't possibly...
- Sorry...I've got these sacks...
- I have genital herpes

Finally, a usable one comes to mind.

LBomb - "Sorry, I can't afford it right now".

Amazingly, EVSC is smarter than he/she looks.

EVSC - "...but sir...you're renting a movie. Don't you think maybe you should save that last $5 of yours for a loaf of bread or maybe some milk?"

...holy crap. I just got owned by EVSC. That or else he/she actually thought that I was legitimately monetarily irresponsible and that I might actually spend my last $5 on a movie rental.

No, I don't think I should save this last $5 cause guess what? I WAS LYING. I COULD afford $1 for the Childrens Miracle Network, but I just don't want to because I SIMPLY DON'T CARE.

LBomb - "Oh yeah...riiiiiiiiight. Milk. I knew I forgot something....thanks."

Stop shamelessly plugging your charity. I don't want to hear it. No, I don't want to give you $20 to run the cancer marathon. No, I don't think having a Children's Hospital in Saskatchewan is important. No, I don't want to donate blood to save my sister.

On a side note, I have 6 LIVESTRONG bracelets left. $3 each. It's for a good cause.

13 Comments:

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Mark said...

Last summer on one of my trips into Toronto to see a Jays game, a couple people stopped me on Front St and asked me, "Sir, do you have a minute for Sick Kids?" How callous did I feel when I simply replied "Sorry" and moved on briskly. However, the feeling passed when I got to the nearest hot dog vendor and turned my attention to beef.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Mmmm...beef. Mmmm...Jays. Mmmm...sick kids.

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

Good write up. I hate how these pushy bastards try to force you into their crap. You know these faceless corporations that likely set up such things as telemericle problably skim upwards of 40 - 50% of their "earnings" into managerial fees. The kids are starving? Tell them to eat me.

 
At 11:56 PM, Blogger Jenner said...

I don't know what's worse this post or the comments on it... I do want to save the sick kids, and the whales, and donate blood for your sister and cure cancer.. you guys make me sad..

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Jenner. Disimpoverishing the world one do-gooder post at a time.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:47 AM, Anonymous bagodi said...

This post especially hits home for me as of late. I was asked by a guy, probably close to my age (which is approaching 30), while entering the golden mile a week ago, if I could spare a dollar so he could catch the bus home? What I said "actually no sorry, I have no change and am just heading to the bank." What I should have said, " no f'in way, you can afford to smoke but not catch the bus, and you are a filthy liar b/c it costs more than a dollar to catch the bus, and you should come up with a system where random people could swipe their bank cards through your ass cheeks, i'm sure you would drum up more business that way!!" I am also infuriated by the new crop of squeegee kids in this city. "no, after you scared the shit out of me by accosting my car at 11 p.m. I don't need my windshield washed, it is snowing!!!" That being said I did give $10.00 to a lady singing outside the liquor board one time, as I felt guilty about the copius amounts of alcohol I had just purchased! I guess they just need to catch me at a weak moment! P.S. Lbomb, you should of done what I always do and ask for a receipt then politely decline to donate as it is work funds!!

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Lolol. Damn, I hate Squeegee Kids.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Briananthony said...

ownded by the evsc? damn. i believe in saving the kids too, saving them to stitch my nikes

 
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