Doctors

So guess what? I figured something out recently that thouroughly blew my mind. In Saskatchewan (and maybe the entire world, I don't know), they have these people whose job it is to figure out what's wrong with you. For example, you know when you have that weird feeling inside your stomach and it leads to that thing where you end up with your food in the toilet? Well, these people have heard of that before and they can give you "medication" to fix it. No, I'm not joking. They're called "Doctors".

Like, my friend had this rash on his "leg" and it was bothering him. So he went to the doctor and the doctor perscribed him this cream that he has to apply to his rash. My friend reports that the rash almost immediatly disappeared.

You know what I'm really sick of? Unoriginal hacks talking about how they hate waiting in line for doctors. And how after the first waiting room, there's a smaller waiting room where you have to wait longer, etc. Here's an idea: SHUT THE HELL UP. The next person who says that to me is going to get a towel whipping. And not just any towel whipping. A towel whipping wet from a horses copulatory mess.

Doctors help people. Period. I hope you get leprosy or The Clap or leukemia and then have to eat your words/dead ear skin.

Halloween

The following is a guest-post from a co-worker of mine. To be fair to her, she wrote this a while ago, but I'm simply too lazy/arrogant to post it immediately/let it take some of my thunder. What you will read is entirely as she presented it to me...even the punctuation. Enjoy...

Halloween

I know this is a bit late but something that still needs to be said. I love Halloween! I love coming up with creative, cute, and/or sometimes funny costumes. I usually attend a pub crawl on Halloween or make a point to go out and celebrate with some like minded friends. I would also have to say that Halloween is definitely an ugly persons holiday. I mean, when else can a girl, who may have a decent body, but has the face of a pothole cover, get free drinks all night by dressing up like a slutty, cocaine addicted nurse. I'm very saddened by how easily men are fooled by such women! There is a reason she is wearing a wig (she has a female combover), has on 8 pounds of makeup and fake eyelashes (she has craters on her face the size of a Regina pothole and pulled out her eyelashes due to OCD), and has ber breasts up around her chin (her bra is stuffed with day old real chicken breasts)!! Another annoying Halloween phenomenon is the no costume, costume. Like the group of girls who have two years running dressed up as girls from the got milk ads, excusable once but two years in a row?? Do you have a creative bone in your body?? I feel that I am able to speak on this topic from an expert point of view. I have won prizes numerous times in the past for best and/or most original costume, and would gladly help anyone achieve a new level of costume superiority! My Halloween this year was saved by a random guy who weighed at least 250-300lb. dressed as an olympic swimmer. The dude wore only a speedo and some water shoes, with a medal around his neck. It was a great costume for so many reasons; originality, bravery, and sheer humour! So people, the point of this rant is to encourage you all to embrace your creativity and think outside the box the bext time you need a costume!! P.S. For all the girls who dress as schoolgirls, sexy nurses, naughty police girls, etc..., just thought we should let you know that we don't buy the once a year trampy costumes. My guess is if you feel the need to dress as a whore, you likely have year round whore tendencies. I'm not dissing whores, they certainly have their place, just thought they should know we are not fooled!! That's my guest blog, hope you enjoyed it, and thanks LBomb for the airtime!

Later, Bagodi.

No, I don't want to give you a dollar.

So not too long ago, a friend of mine named Nelly and I decided we were going to rent Saw on DVD. We get into my car and drive to Blockbuster where we're welcomed by the monotonous voice of Eternal Video Store Clerk (EVSC) saying "Welcome to Blockbuster". We look around for a little bit not wanting to be the idiots that can't find Saw, but finally ask EVSC where it is. It's not in. As we pass out the door, ready to cross the street to Rogers Video, I notice something on the window. From afar, they look like soured onions. But as I get nearer, I suddenly reel back in disgust at the realization of what they are. Childrens Miracle Network balloons.

Suddenly, my mind violently flashes back to the last time I was in Blockbuster. I put the video on the counter and right as I pull a $5 bill out of my pocket, ready to pay for "So You've Contracted a VD?", EVSC drops the bomb.

EVSC - "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Miracle Childrens Network and get a balloon with your name on it up on our 'window of honour'"?

Panic strikes my heart as I file through my extensive list of excuses:
- I'm sick today
- A dog ate my homework
- I think I hear my mom calling
- Actually, I don't know how to skate
- I've just been working so much lately, I couldn't possibly...
- Sorry...I've got these sacks...
- I have genital herpes

Finally, a usable one comes to mind.

LBomb - "Sorry, I can't afford it right now".

Amazingly, EVSC is smarter than he/she looks.

EVSC - "...but sir...you're renting a movie. Don't you think maybe you should save that last $5 of yours for a loaf of bread or maybe some milk?"

...holy crap. I just got owned by EVSC. That or else he/she actually thought that I was legitimately monetarily irresponsible and that I might actually spend my last $5 on a movie rental.

No, I don't think I should save this last $5 cause guess what? I WAS LYING. I COULD afford $1 for the Childrens Miracle Network, but I just don't want to because I SIMPLY DON'T CARE.

LBomb - "Oh yeah...riiiiiiiiight. Milk. I knew I forgot something....thanks."

Stop shamelessly plugging your charity. I don't want to hear it. No, I don't want to give you $20 to run the cancer marathon. No, I don't think having a Children's Hospital in Saskatchewan is important. No, I don't want to donate blood to save my sister.

On a side note, I have 6 LIVESTRONG bracelets left. $3 each. It's for a good cause.

People who think Saskatoon is amazing are incorrect.

I hear alot of people in Saskatchewan/Canada saying that "Regina is dirty". This is true. Alot of things about Regina are dirty. Like the people. And the whores. And the streets. And the homeless. I'm not about to say that Regina is a beacon of cleanliness to an otherwise filthy wasteland. HOWEVER, I hate when people compare Regina to Saskatoon. They always say something like "Regina is dirty. I could never live there. I'd rather live in Saskatoon. It has bridges and a river".

Well, guess what? Who cares? Congratulations, you have a river. Whenever I hear people talking about how Saskatoon is better than Regina because it has a river, it almost makes me crap my pants. Again. So what if you have a river? What have you ever done socially or otherwise that has involved the river? Nothing. That's what. You don't swim in the river. You don't jump from the bridges into the river. You don't lay on the beach beside the river because there is no beach to lay on. The river is terrible and useless. The only thing I can think of that the river would be advantageous for is the mafia. And committing S. The mafia have a place to hide bodies and you have a place to hang yourself.

Another thing about Saskatoon is their roads. Their main means of getting around is called "Circle Drive". The speed limit on Circle drive is 90. Just in case you missed that, I'll say it again - the speed limit is 90. Who picks 90? Who drives 90? No one, that's who. And the worst part about it is that unless you're driving between 2:45 and 3:15 in the morning, you'll never get to that speed because everyone in the damn city drives no more than 55kmph. No lie. You have no chance of getting anywhere in the city unless you're prepared to take an hour of your life to get to the nearest McDonalds.

Also, the city repairs the roads ALL AT ONCE. They don't finish one road then start on a new one, they start them all and take 5 months to finish repairing them. This means that instead of using the obvious detour to a road under construction, you have to make your way between alleys and country roads to get around town.

I don't know what it is about people who think Saskatoon is amazing. Your downtown is all one-way streets, you can't differentiate the hood from the rest of the city, and you have 14 Starbucks'. Saskatoon blows.