Want to waste my time? Invite your distant aunt to your wedding.

Admittedly, there are some cool things about weddings. For example, wine. And wedding favours. And hurling insults at the guy sitting at the table across from you because he's obviously the dregs of society but doesn't know it. Well...DIDN'T know it...

But if you get married, please; PLEASE monitor your open mike.

With the good, always comes the bad. And with the bad always comes the worst. And you know what the what worst is? Your Aunt Cecile/Bertha/Gertrude/Agatha and your Uncle Vernon/Carl/Mortimer/Bruce. Normally, you wouldn't care about these people because you'd never meet them. They'd never get the chance to attract your attention enough for you to be displeased with them. But all of a sudden, their precious niece/nephew, whom they've never actually met, is getting married. And lo and behold, there's an open mike just begging to be overwhelmed with drab, incoherent ramblings about when "young teddy crapped all over the martinis (bohemian beer) at the familiy reunion and Grandpa Earl said 'Whoa!!! That boy's got a fine ass-shot on him! They should make that an olympic sport! He'd win gold for sure!!' and everyone had a good laugh".

No. No one had a good laugh. In fact, not only did I not have a good laugh, but I had to get up just now and run to Societal Dregs' table and throw up in his wine. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR AWFUL STORIES. NO ONE. NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBAND OF 30 YEARS.

The only funny thing I've ever seen a relative do at a wedding was when one drunken Uncle got up to the mike and proceeded to pretend like he was native for 15 minutes talking about how his nephew married a good woman and how she would cook him fine "bannok" and how they would soon have little "squas" running around everywhere. That was funny. Seriously, dude went on for 15 minutes. NEVER breaking character. On second thought...maybe he was actually native...anyways, it was funny.

The moral of this story is that if you are related to someone getting married, leave the open mike to his/her friends. Unless you're drunk. Or native. Or both.