Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Please tell me what's so great about Poker?

Poker is the new Golf which was the new Nascar. Nascar sucked. Then people started watching it lots because someone died. Then, Golf sucked. And people started watching it lots because a black/chinese/native american man started dominating. Now, Poker sucks. And people are watching it lots but I don't know why. I don't understand what these games are doing on sports networks around the globe. THEY AREN'T SPORTS. Anything you can do well at without being in any kind of physical condition is NOT A SPORT. If you think you play a sport, but you're not sure, answer this question:

Could anyone who is 300+ lbs. have the potential to be better at your "sport" than you?

If you answered anything other than 'no', what you play is not a sport. It's a game. Still confused? Here's a list of a few games that some network execs must think are sports because they get airtime on The Sports Network.

Bowling - All you have to do is throw a ball at some pins. Anyone can do this. Anyone. Oooh, you put spin on the ball. You're a phenomenal athlete. Jime Rome said it the best when he said "Anything you get better at while consuming alcohol is not a sport. Just because you wear special shoes and a wristband, doesn't make it a sport".

Darts - You throw pointy sticks at corkboard. Whoever hits the corkboard to an exact number counting down first, wins. Sounds like pin the tail on the donkey. But at least your friends liked you when you got the prize for winning.

Poker - Some people sit at a table and play cards. Are you getting this? ALL THEY DO IS SIT AT A TABLE AND PLAY CARDS. Wow, he's wearing sunglasses, watch out for is incredible bluffing ability. Who cares? The best hand they ever get is a pair of aces. You NEVER see anyone with a Royal Flush. They even have celebrity commentators. As if you need them to tell you that Rodney's 2 of spades and 5 of diamonds aren't going to beat Jim's "ace in the hole". What? River? Texas?

Spelling bees - A 13-year-old spells 'appoggiatura' correctly. Like I just did with a dictionary. And my self respect still intact. Where will good spelling get you in life? Not into NASA. Not into Jessica Simpson's bedroom. Maybe into a fight with the cool kid in class who works your ass into a brick wall for embarrassing your entire hometown.

Cheerleading - Yes, I know that most people who cheerlead are in shape. It doesn't matter. The whole point of cheeleading is to cheer on your favorite sports team. People wear watermelons on their head to cheer for the Riders. People put cheese on their heads to cheer for the Packers. Does that make wearing a watermelon or putting cheese on your head a sport? No.

Golf - Have you seen John Daly? Dude is big. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger big. John Candy big. And he's good. Not country music good. Actually good.

Nascar (any kind of car racing) - Some rednecks drive around a track very quickly. Then someone usually dies/gets 3rd degree burns/gets drunk and pisses in his fuel tank. Then one of the rednecks wins the race after 40,000 laps and 72 hours of television time. His name is usually Ricky. Or something.

I have no idea how many hours of my life has been wasted by TSN's poor "sports" coverage.


At 11:16 PM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

Well its not a sport I will admit that.

However the newest surge of idiots who think they are overnight poker stars with the "knack" for the game make it that much more fun. In reality they suck which makes taking their money easy.

Spoils go to the rich.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Hendy said...

In high school I constantly argued with this hot chick that cheerleading wasn't a sport. She usually got really mad, which just fueled me further because I thought it was funny. I think what really set her off was when I told her and I quote "Cheerleaders main goal is to sleep with the captain... great competition". Man I'm glad I was the captain....

At 10:32 PM, Blogger Jenner said...

You guys are ridiculous..... Also hurry up and post again...


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