Lord LBomb

You know what we need back in modern society? Titles of prestige. Without actually having to be prestigious. Just imagine the awesomeness of being named "Duke Burnsy" or "Baroness Rya" or "Marquis 2 fn lo" or "Count Birdhair". Frick, that would rule. I mean, come on. EVERYONE would have to address you by your proper title. The cool part about it is that you have lots of titles to choose from. Here's a list that may or may not include every single elite title with corresponding female title:

Lord, Lady
Baron, Baroness
Earl, Countess
Count, Countess
Viscount, Viscountess
Marquis, Marchioness
Duke, Duchess

If you want to be less cool than me but still cooler than most people, you could add "Esquire" to the end of your name (ie. Hendy, Esquire). Obviously, this is less awesome because of that appalling watch commercial with Pete Sampras. Seriously, who plays tennis with a watch on? And who would, with the success that Pete Sampras had as a tennis player, endorse Esquire? At least go Gucci or TAG Heuer. Even I know that. Who was this guy's agent? I would be getting deals with Armani, Coke and Rolex. "No, YOU look HERE. I have the GREATEST TENNIS PLAYER TO EVER PLAY THE GAME (arguably) and you come to me with a $500K (presumably) contract with Esquire? I'd rather endorse Enron. Or soy milk." Owned.

I should be a professional sports agent. Or an entrepreneur who opens up a business where people pay me to verbally dominate other people. But not physically dominate. Because I can't.