Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Please tell me what's so great about Poker?

Poker is the new Golf which was the new Nascar. Nascar sucked. Then people started watching it lots because someone died. Then, Golf sucked. And people started watching it lots because a black/chinese/native american man started dominating. Now, Poker sucks. And people are watching it lots but I don't know why. I don't understand what these games are doing on sports networks around the globe. THEY AREN'T SPORTS. Anything you can do well at without being in any kind of physical condition is NOT A SPORT. If you think you play a sport, but you're not sure, answer this question:

Could anyone who is 300+ lbs. have the potential to be better at your "sport" than you?

If you answered anything other than 'no', what you play is not a sport. It's a game. Still confused? Here's a list of a few games that some network execs must think are sports because they get airtime on The Sports Network.

Bowling - All you have to do is throw a ball at some pins. Anyone can do this. Anyone. Oooh, you put spin on the ball. You're a phenomenal athlete. Jime Rome said it the best when he said "Anything you get better at while consuming alcohol is not a sport. Just because you wear special shoes and a wristband, doesn't make it a sport".

Darts - You throw pointy sticks at corkboard. Whoever hits the corkboard to an exact number counting down first, wins. Sounds like pin the tail on the donkey. But at least your friends liked you when you got the prize for winning.

Poker - Some people sit at a table and play cards. Are you getting this? ALL THEY DO IS SIT AT A TABLE AND PLAY CARDS. Wow, he's wearing sunglasses, watch out for is incredible bluffing ability. Who cares? The best hand they ever get is a pair of aces. You NEVER see anyone with a Royal Flush. They even have celebrity commentators. As if you need them to tell you that Rodney's 2 of spades and 5 of diamonds aren't going to beat Jim's "ace in the hole". What? River? Texas?

Spelling bees - A 13-year-old spells 'appoggiatura' correctly. Like I just did with a dictionary. And my self respect still intact. Where will good spelling get you in life? Not into NASA. Not into Jessica Simpson's bedroom. Maybe into a fight with the cool kid in class who works your ass into a brick wall for embarrassing your entire hometown.

Cheerleading - Yes, I know that most people who cheerlead are in shape. It doesn't matter. The whole point of cheeleading is to cheer on your favorite sports team. People wear watermelons on their head to cheer for the Riders. People put cheese on their heads to cheer for the Packers. Does that make wearing a watermelon or putting cheese on your head a sport? No.

Golf - Have you seen John Daly? Dude is big. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger big. John Candy big. And he's good. Not country music good. Actually good.

Nascar (any kind of car racing) - Some rednecks drive around a track very quickly. Then someone usually dies/gets 3rd degree burns/gets drunk and pisses in his fuel tank. Then one of the rednecks wins the race after 40,000 laps and 72 hours of television time. His name is usually Ricky. Or something.

I have no idea how many hours of my life has been wasted by TSN's poor "sports" coverage.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Riders have NO CLOSE!

Alright, let the record show that Paul McCallum sucks. He really does. He lost the West Finals singlehandedly last year for the Riders. People actually DEFECATED ON DUDE'S LAWN because of this. That should say something about your place in society/life/a football team. We should get "Robokicker" back. Dude was awesome.

With that said, I cannot, in good conscience, let McWorthless take all the blame for the Riders' loss today. The team, as a whole, has no close. All their games have been close and they almost lose it in the end. The facts are as follows:

1. Riders started the game without Kenton Keith (arguably the best running back in the league) and Matt Dominguez (unarguably the best reciever on the team).

2. Riders lost Karston Bailey, Jeremy O'Day and Nate Davis (the latter 2 being huge defensive pillars on the team (yes I know O'Day plays on the O-Line, but it's still a defensive position)) in the first half.

3. Riders were up 26-14 going into the 4th half and let the Argos go on a 13-0 run in the LAST QUARTER.

All said and done, the Riders choked. Sure, they had some difficulties regarding the worst kicker ever and injuries, but even Rudy could have held the Argos to 11 points in the last quarter. Rudy. The Riders are worst than Rudy.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Lord LBomb

You know what we need back in modern society? Titles of prestige. Without actually having to be prestigious. Just imagine the awesomeness of being named "Duke Burnsy" or "Baroness Rya" or "Marquis 2 fn lo" or "Count Birdhair". Frick, that would rule. I mean, come on. EVERYONE would have to address you by your proper title. The cool part about it is that you have lots of titles to choose from. Here's a list that may or may not include every single elite title with corresponding female title:

Lord, Lady
Baron, Baroness
Earl, Countess
Count, Countess
Viscount, Viscountess
Marquis, Marchioness
Duke, Duchess

If you want to be less cool than me but still cooler than most people, you could add "Esquire" to the end of your name (ie. Hendy, Esquire). Obviously, this is less awesome because of that appalling watch commercial with Pete Sampras. Seriously, who plays tennis with a watch on? And who would, with the success that Pete Sampras had as a tennis player, endorse Esquire? At least go Gucci or TAG Heuer. Even I know that. Who was this guy's agent? I would be getting deals with Armani, Coke and Rolex. "No, YOU look HERE. I have the GREATEST TENNIS PLAYER TO EVER PLAY THE GAME (arguably) and you come to me with a $500K (presumably) contract with Esquire? I'd rather endorse Enron. Or soy milk." Owned.

I should be a professional sports agent. Or an entrepreneur who opens up a business where people pay me to verbally dominate other people. But not physically dominate. Because I can't.

Counters Rule