Monday, May 23, 2005

Nerds are Hardcore.

There is a subculture in North America that has an undeniable impact on society. You can't be involved in ANY part of life and not be consciously or unconsciously affected by this subculture. This subculture is Nerds. There are different kinds of nerds. Subcultures within a subculture if you will. These Sub-subcultures have many similarities, yet many unique differences. I have found that nerds have their own set of rules.

Nerd Rule #1: Be Hardcore. Don't be a half-assed nerd who goes to a movie and doesn't dress up like the antagonist/protagonist of the movie.

Nerd Rule #2: Hate Other Nerd Factions. ie. If you love Star Wars, you have to hate Lord of the Rings. If you love Freddy Kruger, you have to hate Superman.

Nerd Rule #3: You Are NOT a Nerd. If you are a nerd, you must deny it at all cost. Even if the cost is your firstborn.

There are 8 different kinds of nerds.

#1. The Star Wars Nerd - This is the most common nerd. These nerds are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There is a 100% chance that someone you know or love dearly is a Star Wars Nerd. These people know what Jabba the Hut is saying without subtitles. They can repeat R2-D2's dialogue blip-for-blip. Outside of Star Wars conventions, it can be difficult to discern this type of nerd from a normal person...until another episode of Star Wars comes out/George Lucas does anything. Like wipes his ass.

#2. Lord of the Rings Nerd - These nerds worship J.R.R. Tolkien. They call each other on the phone and speak elvin. They also hate Star Wars and think that they are infinitely cooler than the Star Wars Nerd. They are not.

#3. Sports Nerd - These nerds are at the top of the nerd hierarchy. They are revered and respected by all nerds and are the nerd equivalent of a jock. These nerds were never good at sports, but were so enraptured by the idea of being cool that they took to learning everything there is to know about every sport. This nerd can tell you who won the Stanley Cup in 1923. They can quote word-for-word Michael Jordan's retirement speech. They can give you Ty Cobb's lifetime stats. They own season tickets to the Green Bay Packers/San Francisco 49ers/Saskatchewan Roughriders. They ALWAYS wear a sports jersey of an obscure NBA player.

#4. D&D Nerd (Dungeons and Dragons) - If you ever find one of these nerds, you will find 10 more of them within a 4 metre radius. These nerds have dice with more than 6 sides on them in their pockets at all times. After school/work, they drive their Ford Taurus' to the "Dungeon Master's" house and play stratego for no less than 10 hours.

#5. Comic Book/Superhero Nerd - This nerd has one AND ONLY ONE comic book/superhero that he is intensely loyal to. They know every tidbit of information there is to know about their specific hero. They have lengthy debates over whether or not Spawn could bannish Superman to hell and whether Robin is JUST Batman's sidekick. They have a room(s) in their home(s)/mothers basement dedicated to their comic book hero.

#6. Horror Movie Nerd - This nerd knows how many people die in Freddy vs. Jason and think The Blair Witch Project was a breakthrough in cinematography. They ALWAYS dress up on halloween as the killer from Scream and when the don't win the Best Costume Award, they insist on asking you what your favorite scary movie is in their best "psychopathic killer" voice.

#7. Computer Nerd - This nerd ALWAYS works at a computer store as a salesman or technician, but goes home at night, logs on to and uses the username ~IamHax0RGoD~. They never type full words, using "r" and "u" as much as possible.

#8. Gamer Nerd - This nerd owns ALL THE GAMING CONSOLES. ALL OF THEM. They also have lists of their top 10 favorite games which usually include 9 Role Playing Games and Halo. If you know what I'm talking about when I say "Skate or Die", you might be this nerd.

Hints to spotting a nerd:
- has nerdy glasses
- wears jeans which are 2 sizes too small
- is wearing a black Pantera/Megadeath/Alice Cooper T-shirt
- has long, unwashed hair
- owns a trenchcoat


At 11:17 PM, Blogger Briananthony said...

I'd like to suggest the car nerds. Often inspired by Fast and the furious and the cleverly titled sequel too fast too furious. This people can often found sporting their late eighties early nineties rice burners, predominantly civics. Not just ordinary civics but civics with shitty body kits. which can look good, but not on civics and not when car nerds are involved. Car nerds are also notorious for plastering their rear windshields with reasons as to why you should break in their cars by listing what stereo equipment they have inside. These car nerds almost always have some kind of spoiler, because if it sounds louder it must go faster. As well, they cover it with racing stripes, obviously for speed enhancment. Yellow stickers seem to mean speed as well. Occasionally these nerds think that everyone should be forced to see their vehicles even at night by installing gawdy neons underneath their car. These nerds can be spotted hanging out at the local loser lane. Talking on their parent paid cell phone

At 11:25 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

I thought about the Car Nerd, but usually, nerds contribute at least a little something to society. I would, instead classify these Car Nerds as Car Losers. They contribute nothing to society and are usually part of some lame gang.

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Briananthony said...

what then do the 20 sided dice losers give society, save for record sales in eighties metal parphenilia

At 12:15 AM, Blogger LBomb said...

Like I said, a LITTLE something to society. They aren't offing eachother (and us) in record numbers.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

I resent that car losers thing.

S10 4 life!

At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have several serious complaints about this blog 1,Rule #3 You are not a nerd that is NOT TRUE! Real nerds are offended when they are called anything else! Also there is no such thing as a sports nerd they are called an athlete wanabee, and the computer nerd? It is called a geek there is a huge difference! And the nerd spoting tips is like describing Captain Jean-luk Picard as a guy with long wavy brown hair!

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