Top 10 Things to do in a Fight

This is a list of the top 10 things anyone could do in a fight. As a whole, I am not an advocate of fighting. I think it's kind of unintelligent. IF, however, you ever feel the NEED to fight (ie. you are in danger of being taken to Brown Town), there are certain things you can do to enhance the viewing pleasure of innocent bystanders.

10. Belittlement - It is extremely cool to, before entering a fight, to call down your opponent. Good things to say include comments on his family, size, looks and sexuality.

9. Backup - It is always awesome to have backup at your beck and call. Not just any backup, though. Not your friends or extended family. The only really cool backup to have is a fairly decent sized band of pygmy indians at your disposal who are hidden in not-so-obvious spots around the venue (ie. hidden in the grass, waiting in the trees)

8. Indifference - This only works if you are fighting about something seemingly important. A good example might be your wife/girlfriend. You engage in an excessive amount of belittling with your would-be foe only to back out when you find the real reason for the altercation is the fact that your opponent wants to take your wife/girlfriend back to his house. At this point, look confused, squint your eyes a little bit to show that you are uncertain if he's serious, then shrug and walk away.

7. Curb Stomp - The cruelest move in a street fight is also one of the coolest. You have to do this in a completely blind rage (American History X style) or it doesn't really work. Edward Norton looks so awesome before he curb stomps that dude that tried to steal his car.

6. Outnumbered - It is awesome to be outnumbered by many opponents only to turn around and absolutely demolish them all because you are a black belt in 17 different martial arts. Or the people you are fighting are 9 years old.

5. Different Species - One of the coolest fight scenes I ever saw in a movie was in Far and Away when the one guy whose horse won't race, gets very upset and punches his horse in the face. Always remember that animals don't have feelings so this is completely acceptable.

4. Confidence - Fighting is as much mental as it is physical. If you can obtain a mental edge over your opponent, your chances of winning the fight increase substantially. For example, lets say the hugest nerd in the school wants to fight you and you KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that you can demolish him. Or better yet, lets say a guy in a wheelchair wants to fight you KNOW YOU CAN WIN. First, after the fight starts, let him get in a few good shots. Maybe some wheelchair rammings or something. THEN, as your opponent thinks he has an edge on you, flip his wheelchair over. He will be so shocked at this turn of events that he won't see it coming and will probably think twice before entering a fight with an able bodied person again.

3. Pose - Beat your opponent so soundly that you have time in between uppercuts and headlocks to do various body bulider poses. I find the "Thinker" pose gets the loudest cheers.

2. Double-fist - You know you are in complete control of a fight when you have the presence of mind to hit your opponent with both of you fists AT THE SAME TIME. Damage inflicted is decreased, but embarrassment inflicted is awesomely increased.

1. Wrestling moves - Can it get any more cooler than to put an unwitting opponent into a suplex? How about the Sharpshooter? Performing a Powerbomb will get you the crouds undying love as will a Tombstone Piledriver.