Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Top 10 Things to do in a Fight

This is a list of the top 10 things anyone could do in a fight. As a whole, I am not an advocate of fighting. I think it's kind of unintelligent. IF, however, you ever feel the NEED to fight (ie. you are in danger of being taken to Brown Town), there are certain things you can do to enhance the viewing pleasure of innocent bystanders.

10. Belittlement - It is extremely cool to, before entering a fight, to call down your opponent. Good things to say include comments on his family, size, looks and sexuality.

9. Backup - It is always awesome to have backup at your beck and call. Not just any backup, though. Not your friends or extended family. The only really cool backup to have is a fairly decent sized band of pygmy indians at your disposal who are hidden in not-so-obvious spots around the venue (ie. hidden in the grass, waiting in the trees)

8. Indifference - This only works if you are fighting about something seemingly important. A good example might be your wife/girlfriend. You engage in an excessive amount of belittling with your would-be foe only to back out when you find the real reason for the altercation is the fact that your opponent wants to take your wife/girlfriend back to his house. At this point, look confused, squint your eyes a little bit to show that you are uncertain if he's serious, then shrug and walk away.

7. Curb Stomp - The cruelest move in a street fight is also one of the coolest. You have to do this in a completely blind rage (American History X style) or it doesn't really work. Edward Norton looks so awesome before he curb stomps that dude that tried to steal his car.

6. Outnumbered - It is awesome to be outnumbered by many opponents only to turn around and absolutely demolish them all because you are a black belt in 17 different martial arts. Or the people you are fighting are 9 years old.

5. Different Species - One of the coolest fight scenes I ever saw in a movie was in Far and Away when the one guy whose horse won't race, gets very upset and punches his horse in the face. Always remember that animals don't have feelings so this is completely acceptable.

4. Confidence - Fighting is as much mental as it is physical. If you can obtain a mental edge over your opponent, your chances of winning the fight increase substantially. For example, lets say the hugest nerd in the school wants to fight you and you KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that you can demolish him. Or better yet, lets say a guy in a wheelchair wants to fight you KNOW YOU CAN WIN. First, after the fight starts, let him get in a few good shots. Maybe some wheelchair rammings or something. THEN, as your opponent thinks he has an edge on you, flip his wheelchair over. He will be so shocked at this turn of events that he won't see it coming and will probably think twice before entering a fight with an able bodied person again.

3. Pose - Beat your opponent so soundly that you have time in between uppercuts and headlocks to do various body bulider poses. I find the "Thinker" pose gets the loudest cheers.

2. Double-fist - You know you are in complete control of a fight when you have the presence of mind to hit your opponent with both of you fists AT THE SAME TIME. Damage inflicted is decreased, but embarrassment inflicted is awesomely increased.

1. Wrestling moves - Can it get any more cooler than to put an unwitting opponent into a suplex? How about the Sharpshooter? Performing a Powerbomb will get you the crouds undying love as will a Tombstone Piledriver.


At 8:58 AM, Blogger Ash said...

Luke, just out of curiosity how many fights have you been in? :)

Also, once again, your posting has brought much laughter into my day! Thanks for being awesome.


At 8:56 PM, Blogger cmannsta said...

Did you write this or did you steal it off the internet??? If you did write it....I totally give you props man..SUPER F ING FUNNY!!!

At 9:21 PM, Blogger 2 FN LO said...

Agreed Props...however I feel I deserve partial credit. As well as Mefidg for allowing us to test most of those fighting skillz.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Props given to my good friend 2 fn lo for a couple ideas (particularly the double-fist) in this blog post. Also, HUGE props to MeFidg for being awesome and potentially starring in a movie called "MeFidg vs. Some Zombies".

At 9:37 AM, Blogger Hendy said...

Haha... you know I started to read this and I thought it was lame, but I have to admit, I was laughing pretty hard by the end. Post more often dude.


At 12:50 PM, Blogger booerns said...

probably top five funniest blog entries ive ever read. great post. miss ya man

At 5:27 PM, Anonymous Chary said...

One thing to say is: "Get a new attitude before you need to get a new set of teeth. Here's some sign language for ya!" Then flip them off!

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok u cant beat an animal u fuckin douche bag, unless u want to get in a lot of trouble. dumb ass

At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but what if you want to make up , not make it worce!

At 1:09 AM, Blogger Bart Miller said...

first off, i think when you bring backup into a fight, your just afraid the other guy is gonna do some serious damage to you. 2nd, how many of your average people can put someone in a suplex? I mean really, and punching a horse in the face? You realize that is animal cruelty and you can go to jail for that, right? Btw, trust me animals have feelings too. Why do you think they get mad if you pull their tail or when you pick them up, but they wanna be put back onto the floor, and not in your hands. Not to mention the smack talk thing you were talking about, when your in a fight, you just stand back and let the OTHER guy make a fool of himself, and then you put some serious hurt on him.

At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i would have to say that none of this would help you if in a fight, these are the worst ideas for encouragement, these 10 things are just for jokes and are nothing that will help you unless you are already the most obvious person who would win the fight

At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have to say this is so funny i forgot to laugh.

At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



Post a Comment

<< Home

Counters Rule