Thursday, April 28, 2005

Things I think are cool, but kind of aren't.

Here are some things that are so cool, but at the same time aren't really cool at all.

- Commiting S(uicide)
- Venereal Diseases
- Steve Buscemi
- Hooking
- Saying "F".
- Yahtzee
- Streaking at a Riders game
- Adult diapers
- Peeing your pants

Here are some things that just aren't cool.

- Preston Manning
- Saying "You are the weakest link. Goodbye."
- Philosophy Majors
- Honda Elements
- 'Hero' the movie
- Blogs
- Working nights
- Screamo
- Napoleon Dynamite
- My landlady
- Stew

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Thinking about "pimping" your 30 year old Chevette? Don't bother.

Ok, this could be a dangerous post because those of you that know me, know that I know NOTHING about cars. However, I DO know that just because your car is loud, doesn't mean it's cool/has a hemi/could beat a Tonka Truck in a race. Seriously, these people's moms buy them '86 Honda Civics when they're 15 for when they get their licenses, which, coincidentally, they don't get until they're 24. Then, when these morons finally get their license, they go and put performance exhaust on their car. Congratulations! Your car is louder than a train wreck. It must be super awesome. Oh wait, your car just broke down in bumper-to-bumper traffic again. Maybe your Chevette isn't "high performance". Maybe you should think about running a hose from that performance muffler straight into your car and shutting the windows. For real, ass; just punch a hole in your muffler. It makes the same sound.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Top 10 Things to do in a Fight

This is a list of the top 10 things anyone could do in a fight. As a whole, I am not an advocate of fighting. I think it's kind of unintelligent. IF, however, you ever feel the NEED to fight (ie. you are in danger of being taken to Brown Town), there are certain things you can do to enhance the viewing pleasure of innocent bystanders.

10. Belittlement - It is extremely cool to, before entering a fight, to call down your opponent. Good things to say include comments on his family, size, looks and sexuality.

9. Backup - It is always awesome to have backup at your beck and call. Not just any backup, though. Not your friends or extended family. The only really cool backup to have is a fairly decent sized band of pygmy indians at your disposal who are hidden in not-so-obvious spots around the venue (ie. hidden in the grass, waiting in the trees)

8. Indifference - This only works if you are fighting about something seemingly important. A good example might be your wife/girlfriend. You engage in an excessive amount of belittling with your would-be foe only to back out when you find the real reason for the altercation is the fact that your opponent wants to take your wife/girlfriend back to his house. At this point, look confused, squint your eyes a little bit to show that you are uncertain if he's serious, then shrug and walk away.

7. Curb Stomp - The cruelest move in a street fight is also one of the coolest. You have to do this in a completely blind rage (American History X style) or it doesn't really work. Edward Norton looks so awesome before he curb stomps that dude that tried to steal his car.

6. Outnumbered - It is awesome to be outnumbered by many opponents only to turn around and absolutely demolish them all because you are a black belt in 17 different martial arts. Or the people you are fighting are 9 years old.

5. Different Species - One of the coolest fight scenes I ever saw in a movie was in Far and Away when the one guy whose horse won't race, gets very upset and punches his horse in the face. Always remember that animals don't have feelings so this is completely acceptable.

4. Confidence - Fighting is as much mental as it is physical. If you can obtain a mental edge over your opponent, your chances of winning the fight increase substantially. For example, lets say the hugest nerd in the school wants to fight you and you KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that you can demolish him. Or better yet, lets say a guy in a wheelchair wants to fight you KNOW YOU CAN WIN. First, after the fight starts, let him get in a few good shots. Maybe some wheelchair rammings or something. THEN, as your opponent thinks he has an edge on you, flip his wheelchair over. He will be so shocked at this turn of events that he won't see it coming and will probably think twice before entering a fight with an able bodied person again.

3. Pose - Beat your opponent so soundly that you have time in between uppercuts and headlocks to do various body bulider poses. I find the "Thinker" pose gets the loudest cheers.

2. Double-fist - You know you are in complete control of a fight when you have the presence of mind to hit your opponent with both of you fists AT THE SAME TIME. Damage inflicted is decreased, but embarrassment inflicted is awesomely increased.

1. Wrestling moves - Can it get any more cooler than to put an unwitting opponent into a suplex? How about the Sharpshooter? Performing a Powerbomb will get you the crouds undying love as will a Tombstone Piledriver.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I am officially awesome

OK, just a short post for those of you that have been chomping at the bit for a taste of LBomb. I went onto google and typed "eljam" and guess what? THIS WEBSITE CAME UP! This just makes it official. I am awesome. I always figured I was awesome, but now, if ANYONE types "eljam" into, they will find me. Post a comment if you agree that I'm awesome. Oh yeah, and working 14+ hours in a row sucks. Alot.

Monday, April 04, 2005

My Landlady blows 2

I received a post on my My Landlady blows blog entry from some guy named Tucker in Australia. I have never met Tucker and have NO idea how he got my blogsite. However, I am deeply indebted to Tucker as he had an idea that I hadn't thought of. He suggested that I contact that Canadian equivalent of Australia's "Rental Tenancy Association" and see if there was anything I could do about this situation legally.

I should also mention at this point that another situation had arisen where Susan wanted me to leave my suite while she showed it. We had an argument about this where Susan basically told me that since it was her house, she expected me to adhere to her will no matter what. This incensed me. When I got home from having lunch with Rya, I found that Susan had taken it upon herself to clean my bathroom counter of my toiletries and my bedroom floor of some clothes. The clothes included 2 shirts and a pair of sweatpants. This also incensed me.

Continuing with the story, I took Tucker's idea and went to work trying to find out if there was such a thing as a Rental Tenancy Association. Eventually, after making 2 phonecalls, I found there was something called the Rentalsman's Office which enforces the Residential Tenancies Act. I spoke to a representative and she told me that although ,since I gave my one month's notice, Susan doesn't need to give me 24 hours notice prior to entering my suite. HOWEVER, I do not have to leave the premesis. I found this out and when she called me to tell me another person was coming to look at the suite, I had a word with her:

SB - "Ummm, there's someone coming over now that wants to have a look at the suite."
LBomb - "Alright, but there's something I need to talk to you about first."
SB - "OK"
LBomb - "I went to the Rentalsman's Office this afternoon to talk to them about what's going on."
SB - "OK..."
LBomb - "They told me that you were allowed to have as many people come and view the suite as you need to within reasonable hours."
SB "Uh-huh." She said this very pompously

I gave her a few seconds to savour the victory before I dropped the bomb.

LBomb - "They also told me that I don't have to leave the suite if I don't want to."

Silence on the other line...

LBomb - "But out of courtesy, I will stand outside the door while you show people throught."
SB - "Ummm, ok, I guess that will work."
LBomb - "Also, I expect you to stop touching my stuff."
SB - "I haven't touched anything of yours."
LBomb - "You touched my clothes on the floor."
SB - "Oh, yes. I did." Frickin rights she did "I put them into your hamper."
LBomb - "You also swept my toiletries on the bathroom counter into a drawer."
SB - "Umm...oh yes, I did."
LBomb - "You need to stop touching my stuff."
SB - "Then you need to keep your place clean."
LBomb - "It's toiletries. You can go to any house in the country and find toiletries on their bathroom counter. If you want to continue touching my personal belongings, I will stay here while you show the suite to ensure that nothing is touched, moved, or removed."
SB - "Why are you making this such a big deal?"
LBomb - "Because, Susan, I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I'm not asking something difficult. Simply, that you wouldn't touch my personal belongings."
SB - "Fine. I won't touch your stuff."
LBomb - "Thank you. Goodbye." ~click~

Seriously. Don't piss with me. I don't appreciate it.

Tucker - you rule. Thanks, guy.

Friday, April 01, 2005

My Landlady blows

So first of all, I don't know what's going on with this blog site. the day i set it up, it crashes and people can't see my blog. That totally blows cause lots of people are only going to check my blog from the link i sent them in the email. So, instead of my site being the 8,000,000th most popular site on the internet, it'll be the 8,000,700th most popular site. F.

So back to my story about why my Landlady is a hag. I will refer to her as Susan Bray because that's her real name and I want anyone who is looking for a place to live to know NOT to live with her. Susan knows my schedule. She asked for it and knows that I'm on nights all during the week. So what does she do? Does she have some respect for me seeing as I'm paying rent (even though I've given my month's notice)? No. She goes ahead and schedules people to come look at the house during the afternoon. She called me at 2pm after I had been asleep for 2 hours. This is how the conversation went:

LBomb - In a gravelly sleepy voice "Hello?"
SB - "Hi. Did I wake you?"
LBomb - "Yes. I am werking nights."
SB - "Oh." As if she didn't know "Ummm....well, I have a lady coming over to look at the suite at 3pm. that ok?" It wasn't a question.
LBomb - "Well...I'm SLEEPING..." Hopefully she got the hint.
SB - "Oh. Ummm...well, as you know, since you're moving out I'll have to be showing the suite, so, ummm, that doesn't really work for me." She didn't get the hint.
LBomb - "...Alright..."
SB - "Well, ummm, what time did you get home?"
LBomb - "11"
SB - "Oh, I thought you'd get home at 9. Well maybe I'll see if they can come back later." I missing something here? Who cares if I get off at 11 or if i get off at 9? You're waking me up after either 3 or 5 hours of sleep. This is UNACCEPTABLE. She calls back (waking me up of course), in an hour to tell me they aren't coming til 5. She then has the nerve to say:

SB - "They're coming over at 5, so you can get some more sleep and then clean up a little bit."

Clean up a little bit? No, Susan, I can't clean up a little bit. You can SHUT YOUR MOUTH. First, you infringe on my sleep time which is usually 10-12 hours daily. THEN, you tell me I should clean up a bit? Yeah. I'll clean up. I'll clean my filthy bathroom using your plethora of chest and back hair. I then went upstairs and smacked her in the face with a hot iron (ok, that was a lie cause I'm a pussy).

Who does that to people? I'm paying rent here. Give me a freaking break. I likely pay more than 3/4 of the mortgage in this peice of crap house and you're calling me, after I've slept 2 WHOLE HOURS, and telling me to clean up because you've got someone looking at the suite? I hope your car breaks down and your boyfriend dumps you.

Counters Rule